When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong
I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
Oh there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love
- Bob Dylan (sept. 30th 1997)
I have been listening to this song over and over and over again on my Ipod. (I am listening to the version by Adele that came out in '08...gorgeous voice.)
It all started yesterday. I was on my way to work and I had my Ipod on shuffle. I kept pushing the next button because I was looking for that perfect song that would fit my current mood, something that would speak to me, ya know. Then this song came on....To Make You Feel My Love. I don't really know why this song hit me so much, but I listened to it all the way to work...and all the way home from work.
As I sang the words.....I was singing to him. I don't actually know who he is. But I was singing to him. Even though I don't know if I even know him yet, as I sang the words of this song...I meant them. I know that when it happens..and there he is...whoever he is...these words will be true. He is SO worth the wait.
sigh.
When you read the lyrics...what did you automatically think of? Someone you're with? Someone you wish you were with? Someone you don't know yet? Did you sing the lyrics to them?
Did it ever occur to you when you read them that maybe this song wasn't from you to someone else...but from God to you? Me either.
When I got in my Jeep this morning, I was fully planning on listening to a different song (I mean, come on, the same song for two days straight...crazzzzzzyyyy!)...but for some reason, I listened to it again. And again. Why!? I was totally thinking it was weird. As I am driving and listening to this song...I am thinking of all this other stuff...you know....all that crap that you can't get out of your head...like stuff you need to do at work..whether or not you should do this or that...blah, blah, blah....so....I wasn't really listening to the song....it was just the background to my mental droning. And then I looked out of my driver's side window and saw the most beautiful sunrise (yes, I am up and driving that early). I looked at the sun and all the beautiful colors and then I heard it....the song....the lyrics....I really really listened this time. God was talking TO ME!!! Katie. He was talking to ME. That's when it hit me....there truly is nothing that He wouldn't do to make me feel His love.
wow.
He knew just how many times I was going to have to hear that song until I really got it. IT'S FOR ME!!! Who listens to the same song for two days straight...and I'm talking tons of times...my commute is at least 1.5 hours each way if not longer....so that song and I has some serious quality time together. I'm crazy...but I ain't that crazy. God. will. not. stop. He won't go away just because you do. He already went hungry, went black and blue...went crawlin' down the avenue....to make you feel His love. He did that. For me. And for you. (that accidentally rhymed..lol)
Yes, you. Seriously....YOU!
I have listened to this song plenty of times before...and it didn't really mean that much to me..I was more in to Adele's beautiful voice than actually listening to the words. But God is so good and His plan so perfect that I listened to this song over and over and over again at just the exact right time for it to speak right to me about exactly what I needed to hear. Perfect.
It's hard being single sometimes. I hadn't been single since I was 13. Up until about 6 or so months ago...I always had a boyfriend or some guy in my life. Even when I knew I didn't love them...I would stay...because I couldn't stand to be alone. I was so afraid of being alone...but all I felt was alone. I spent a lot of time trying to fill this void with men that couldn't and shouldn't fill it. I am sorry to them, I am sorry to me, but most of all I am sorry to God. I feel like I don't even deserve a beautiful love song from God after all the years that I rejected Him. Why would he go to the end of the Earth for me....to make me feel His love? Why doesn't he do what all the other guys have done...disappoint me, leave me, break my heart, tear me down, use me, disrespect me, did I mention leave me.....? Why doesn't he? How could he hold me for a million years? I don't even understand or grasp that kind of love. And He knows it's hard for me. And He wants to show me...His love.
For the last two years since I broke up with my on again, off again, on again, off again, on again, off again boyfriend since I was 16....I have taken this time to seek the truth and truly find me and the Katie that God made me to be. It has been the hardest, most painful, most beautiful, most rewarding, scariest, etc...time of my life. Instead of drinking my pain away...I deal with it. I feel it. Instead of dating just anyone so I'm not alone...I decide to be single and wait for him. The guy that's not just some guy. That's going to sing those lyrics to me....and mean them. It's painful. But I'm not afraid of that anymore. I feel the pain. And I don't die and I don't stop. Contrary to my previous belief...the pain didn't kill me. It made me stronger. (Pastor Jerry said on Sunday that David would have still been a shephard if he hadn't had Goliath in his life....so I praise God for all the Goliath's in my life...because they have made me stronger..more than a shephard!)
I used to idenify myself based on what a man thought of me. If he thought I was special...then I was. If he didn't....then I tried to changed myself so that he would....but of course...that didn't work. As painful as that was to live...it was even more painful to let God in...trust Him...and let Him heal those hurts and scars. These last two years of healing has been amazing. When you haven't been able to trust people...mostly men...your whole life...how are you supposed to trust God...who you can't see? Well....while the storms were raging on the rolling sea...He went to the ends of the Earth for me....to make me feel His love. He pushed past all that crap...and showed me He was real. He could be trusted with my scarred and broken heart. And He was good. I cry even typing this because what God has done for me is more true and and more real than anything I have ever experienced in my whole life. Now...I want to go to the ends of the Earth for Him...to make Him feel my love!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Just Katie
I watched a video from Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty, watched the movie Penelope (awesome movie) and talked with women and girls about their struggles with beauty and acceptance and then....BAM!..inspiration. I am going to put up pics of me without my makeup. Some before and after action if you will. This is harder to do than I expected. I know it's silly. But putting pics up on the internet of me without makeup is just a big massive leap out of my comfort zone...but it's something I want to do. I don't want anyone commenting on how I look better without makeup because that isn't why I am doing this. It's not about that. It's about knowing what is really there and not being afraid of it. I live in the real world. It's 2009 and it's America....we have a concept of beauty that we don't even know where it came from and it's not going to change just because I put my picture up. That's ok. The point of all of this is to appreciate what God has blessed me with.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Hope...
Hope.....is the name of the little girl that melted my heart today.
For some time I have been thinking about our society's concept of beauty. What is acceptable these days? And how this concept has effected me my whole life and how it is effecting young girls and women today.
Beauty is something that I have struggled with my whole life. Feeling beautiful. Feeling accepted the way I am.
At a young age I became aware that beauty was important. Whatever beauty was...it mattered...so I needed to find out what it was and manifest it in such a way that was acceptable. I won my first beauty pageant when I was 5. From that point on...I knew that my worth was somehow measured by my appearance.
I remember thinking about trying to stay thin when I was 11 or 12. I remember standing in front of the mirror in 8th grade looking at my stomach and crying...dreaming about the day that I could get rid of my love handles. I was 80 pounds. By the time I got to high school my dad was forcing me to drink protein shakes in the morning before I went to school because I was so skinny. I would take the drinks into the bathroom and wash them down the sink. Eating disorders didn't have all the press back then that they have today. I didn't even know I had one. I didn't know it had a name...I just knew that I wasn't going to eat because I wanted to be beautiful and accepted.
Being pretty was my purpose. And if I couldn't be pretty, then what...? I knew the part I had to play. I was reminded of my role constantly. The pressure to measure up was like a million tons on me every day. It's not like guys walked up to me at parties or school and asked me about my favorite book...or what my dreams were. Not that I would have known how to answer them if they did ask. My goal was to be the coolest, prettiest girl around. Too bad there was always someone cooler or prettier. Who would have guessed that the Prom Queen was probably the loneliest, emptiest person at that dance? I sure never looked or acted lonely or empty.
I started wearing makeup when I was 13 and haven't stopped since. Even a few years ago I wouldn't go anywhere without all of my makeup on and my hair done. I dated a guy for 3 years and it took me almost a year for me to show him what I looked like without makeup. I think I actually cried when I walked out of the bathroom with no makeup on. I was traumatized by my thoughts and terrified that he would see something awful in the real me. Because...if someone didn't like me with the makeup and the pretty clothes...that wasn't quite as bad as them seeing the real me and not liking it....it's almost like being an actor in a play....the makeup and clothes are just a prop..I was playing a part. BUT...if someone saw me without my makeup and pretty clothes and didn't like me....then they would truly be disliking who I really was....and at that point in my life.....I just couldn't stand the risk.
The harder that I tried to fit into the everchanging idea of beauty...the less beautiful I felt. Today, dark eyeshadow is cool...done...bought...worn. The next day...short hair is sexy...done...cut. Next week....red lipstick is hot....done....bought....worn. Here's the problem ya'll.....All the makeup in the world can't make jealousy, pain, anger, resentment, and self hatred..pretty. The most beautiful women on Earth are beautiful because they have love in their hearts and joy in their soul. They may still wear makeup...I'm not on some cruisade to stop makeup wearing (you'll have to pry my Great Lash black mascara out of my kung fu ninja grip)...but they are beautiful because of the light they put out. I have known lots of women that have all of the features that our world says is really beautiful...but because of their darkness inside...they never felt like they were enough. And never feeling like you are enough makes people desperate. Desperation makes people do crazy things. Believe me when I say, that until you replace that darkness with the light of God...you will never feel beautiful. It will never be enough. Why do you think people get addicted to plastic surgery or die from eating disorders? It's because they never ever feel like they are enough no matter what they do. These same people tend to surround themselves with people that only prove to them that all they are is what is on the outside. I remember being told by one of my boyfriends that if I gained 20 pounds that he would break up with me because I would be too fat. I was 106 pounds at the time. Well, guess what...he broke up with me anyway...and I had even lost weight. If all that people care about is what is on the outside, then there will always be someone able to offer something better than what you have. And...you know what...I gained those 20 pounds...plus some...but I lost 175 pounds of negativity when he was gone. That is why I no longer have people in my life...not men, not women, not anyone...that only cares about the superficial...about attaining "things" and "beauty" and "great resumes" and blah blah blah...I don't give a #$% about that stuff. Superficial people are BORING....snore.
Things have changed. I am finally totally confident and comfortable in who Katie McNemar is. I know my favorite book. I know what my dreams are. I still struggle with being who I am, but I have realized after years of pain...that I truly am beautiful. So beautiful. I still wear makeup and still worry about my weight....but I am beautiful. And I know it. Deep in my heart. And no one can take it away from me. I'm no longer playing the part of the "pretty blonde" that is wild and crazy. I'm not an actor anymore. The Katie you know now....if you know me....is me. All the time. If you think I'm crazy or too loud or too fat or too thin or too quiet or too short or too happy or too smiley or too forgiving or too loving or too whatever....it doesn't matter...I am me and I love it. If I want a cheeseburger...I am going to eat a damn cheeseburger and not feel guilty. I go out without my makeup. My hair is naturally curly...I love it...love it love it love it. I used to straighten it (or perm it for my sistas out there), but now...I embrace the curls. It's hard working in DC. All of these perfect girls walking around. I swear, I think everyone is 5'4", 102 lbs, with beautiful perfect hair, expensive clothes, and a new car. Well...I'm 5'1" and not even close to 102 lbs, with kinky hair, expensive (looking) clothes (that I bought on sale..holla), and an old Jeep that I am getting ready to jack up WV style. I don't fit into the mold here. Some days its hard, but most days I embrace the fact that I am a little bit different.
So I have been thinking a lot lately about the pressure that young girls feel to be beautiful and accepted. My friend Kumori mentioned a few weeks ago that we should do a video or skit at church based off of Pink's music video for "Stupid Girl". I loved the idea and can't wait to get to it. As a leader in the youth ministry we see so many of our young girls just struggling with this. Women want to be seen as precious and beautiful. Our quest to acheive that takes a lot of us down a long and lonely path in the wrong direction. I want nothing more than for these beautiful young girls to know what I didn't know when I was their age. I wish I could make it easier. I pray that not just our girls, but that girls all over the world would come to know their true beauty in God. It's the only thing that lasts. Love is beauty. Giving is beauty. Forgiving is beauty. Laughing is beauty. Crying is beauty. Standing up for people that can't stand up for themselves is beauty. Knowledge is beauty. Peace is beauty. Joy is beauty. God is beauty. God is in you.
Now to how Hope melted my heart....
This morning in church, Hope came over to where I sit, as she frequently does, and sang and clapped her hands with me. She is the most loving precious little girl on Earth. When I sat down she sat on my lap. She played with my hands. Looking at them. Picking the nail polish off. Then she turned around and took one of her little fingers and traced them over my left cheek, over my nose, and onto my right cheek. Then she lefted up my glasses and looked in my eyes and said, "Why do you wear makeup Katie? You are so....beautiful"
Melt.
This is in no way bragging, but I have been told that I was beautiful many many times in my life....by men, by family, by friends, etc....but never before have I believed it more than today. When I looked into Hope's honest eyes and saw God's truth, light, and love.....I was truly speechless. It was amazing.
Then she hugged me and buried her head in my neck. And we sang. And we prayed. And I thanked God for Hope. I thanked God for His gift to me. I am going to go to bed tonight feeling more beautiful than I have ever felt.
God is good. God loves you. And you can trust Him - Pastor Jerry Beall (Heart attack surviver and overcomer)
Visit Dove's Campaign For Beauty site:
http://www.dove.us/#/cfrb/
For some time I have been thinking about our society's concept of beauty. What is acceptable these days? And how this concept has effected me my whole life and how it is effecting young girls and women today.
Beauty is something that I have struggled with my whole life. Feeling beautiful. Feeling accepted the way I am.
At a young age I became aware that beauty was important. Whatever beauty was...it mattered...so I needed to find out what it was and manifest it in such a way that was acceptable. I won my first beauty pageant when I was 5. From that point on...I knew that my worth was somehow measured by my appearance.
I remember thinking about trying to stay thin when I was 11 or 12. I remember standing in front of the mirror in 8th grade looking at my stomach and crying...dreaming about the day that I could get rid of my love handles. I was 80 pounds. By the time I got to high school my dad was forcing me to drink protein shakes in the morning before I went to school because I was so skinny. I would take the drinks into the bathroom and wash them down the sink. Eating disorders didn't have all the press back then that they have today. I didn't even know I had one. I didn't know it had a name...I just knew that I wasn't going to eat because I wanted to be beautiful and accepted.
Being pretty was my purpose. And if I couldn't be pretty, then what...? I knew the part I had to play. I was reminded of my role constantly. The pressure to measure up was like a million tons on me every day. It's not like guys walked up to me at parties or school and asked me about my favorite book...or what my dreams were. Not that I would have known how to answer them if they did ask. My goal was to be the coolest, prettiest girl around. Too bad there was always someone cooler or prettier. Who would have guessed that the Prom Queen was probably the loneliest, emptiest person at that dance? I sure never looked or acted lonely or empty.
I started wearing makeup when I was 13 and haven't stopped since. Even a few years ago I wouldn't go anywhere without all of my makeup on and my hair done. I dated a guy for 3 years and it took me almost a year for me to show him what I looked like without makeup. I think I actually cried when I walked out of the bathroom with no makeup on. I was traumatized by my thoughts and terrified that he would see something awful in the real me. Because...if someone didn't like me with the makeup and the pretty clothes...that wasn't quite as bad as them seeing the real me and not liking it....it's almost like being an actor in a play....the makeup and clothes are just a prop..I was playing a part. BUT...if someone saw me without my makeup and pretty clothes and didn't like me....then they would truly be disliking who I really was....and at that point in my life.....I just couldn't stand the risk.
The harder that I tried to fit into the everchanging idea of beauty...the less beautiful I felt. Today, dark eyeshadow is cool...done...bought...worn. The next day...short hair is sexy...done...cut. Next week....red lipstick is hot....done....bought....worn. Here's the problem ya'll.....All the makeup in the world can't make jealousy, pain, anger, resentment, and self hatred..pretty. The most beautiful women on Earth are beautiful because they have love in their hearts and joy in their soul. They may still wear makeup...I'm not on some cruisade to stop makeup wearing (you'll have to pry my Great Lash black mascara out of my kung fu ninja grip)...but they are beautiful because of the light they put out. I have known lots of women that have all of the features that our world says is really beautiful...but because of their darkness inside...they never felt like they were enough. And never feeling like you are enough makes people desperate. Desperation makes people do crazy things. Believe me when I say, that until you replace that darkness with the light of God...you will never feel beautiful. It will never be enough. Why do you think people get addicted to plastic surgery or die from eating disorders? It's because they never ever feel like they are enough no matter what they do. These same people tend to surround themselves with people that only prove to them that all they are is what is on the outside. I remember being told by one of my boyfriends that if I gained 20 pounds that he would break up with me because I would be too fat. I was 106 pounds at the time. Well, guess what...he broke up with me anyway...and I had even lost weight. If all that people care about is what is on the outside, then there will always be someone able to offer something better than what you have. And...you know what...I gained those 20 pounds...plus some...but I lost 175 pounds of negativity when he was gone. That is why I no longer have people in my life...not men, not women, not anyone...that only cares about the superficial...about attaining "things" and "beauty" and "great resumes" and blah blah blah...I don't give a #$% about that stuff. Superficial people are BORING....snore.
Things have changed. I am finally totally confident and comfortable in who Katie McNemar is. I know my favorite book. I know what my dreams are. I still struggle with being who I am, but I have realized after years of pain...that I truly am beautiful. So beautiful. I still wear makeup and still worry about my weight....but I am beautiful. And I know it. Deep in my heart. And no one can take it away from me. I'm no longer playing the part of the "pretty blonde" that is wild and crazy. I'm not an actor anymore. The Katie you know now....if you know me....is me. All the time. If you think I'm crazy or too loud or too fat or too thin or too quiet or too short or too happy or too smiley or too forgiving or too loving or too whatever....it doesn't matter...I am me and I love it. If I want a cheeseburger...I am going to eat a damn cheeseburger and not feel guilty. I go out without my makeup. My hair is naturally curly...I love it...love it love it love it. I used to straighten it (or perm it for my sistas out there), but now...I embrace the curls. It's hard working in DC. All of these perfect girls walking around. I swear, I think everyone is 5'4", 102 lbs, with beautiful perfect hair, expensive clothes, and a new car. Well...I'm 5'1" and not even close to 102 lbs, with kinky hair, expensive (looking) clothes (that I bought on sale..holla), and an old Jeep that I am getting ready to jack up WV style. I don't fit into the mold here. Some days its hard, but most days I embrace the fact that I am a little bit different.
So I have been thinking a lot lately about the pressure that young girls feel to be beautiful and accepted. My friend Kumori mentioned a few weeks ago that we should do a video or skit at church based off of Pink's music video for "Stupid Girl". I loved the idea and can't wait to get to it. As a leader in the youth ministry we see so many of our young girls just struggling with this. Women want to be seen as precious and beautiful. Our quest to acheive that takes a lot of us down a long and lonely path in the wrong direction. I want nothing more than for these beautiful young girls to know what I didn't know when I was their age. I wish I could make it easier. I pray that not just our girls, but that girls all over the world would come to know their true beauty in God. It's the only thing that lasts. Love is beauty. Giving is beauty. Forgiving is beauty. Laughing is beauty. Crying is beauty. Standing up for people that can't stand up for themselves is beauty. Knowledge is beauty. Peace is beauty. Joy is beauty. God is beauty. God is in you.
Now to how Hope melted my heart....
This morning in church, Hope came over to where I sit, as she frequently does, and sang and clapped her hands with me. She is the most loving precious little girl on Earth. When I sat down she sat on my lap. She played with my hands. Looking at them. Picking the nail polish off. Then she turned around and took one of her little fingers and traced them over my left cheek, over my nose, and onto my right cheek. Then she lefted up my glasses and looked in my eyes and said, "Why do you wear makeup Katie? You are so....beautiful"
Melt.
This is in no way bragging, but I have been told that I was beautiful many many times in my life....by men, by family, by friends, etc....but never before have I believed it more than today. When I looked into Hope's honest eyes and saw God's truth, light, and love.....I was truly speechless. It was amazing.
Then she hugged me and buried her head in my neck. And we sang. And we prayed. And I thanked God for Hope. I thanked God for His gift to me. I am going to go to bed tonight feeling more beautiful than I have ever felt.
God is good. God loves you. And you can trust Him - Pastor Jerry Beall (Heart attack surviver and overcomer)
Visit Dove's Campaign For Beauty site:
http://www.dove.us/#/cfrb/
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