Keep Your Head Up!

I woke up early this Sunday and felt like I should go for a run. So, I get all geared up and head out. As I am running I begin to feel this tightness in my throat. I feel like I can't catch my breath. I knew that I was still stressed out and figured that I was just too tense to run. But I felt like I didn't want to stop...like I couldn't stop. I start praying to God in that moment and telling him, "Jesus, I don't know what's going on but I feel like I can't catch my breath." Jesus, being the best coach there is, says to me, "Lift your head up." It was then that I realized that when I run I keep my head down and watch my feet. I couldn't believe that I had never noticed that I did this before. So I try to run with my head up, but it just kept going back down to my feet. That's when Jesus said, "Katie. Why don't you trust that the road you see ahead is going to be the same road that is under your feet? Why do you need to watch each step as you take it? If you would only keep your head up, you will be able to breath." So I lifted my head up and shot off down the road as fast I could. It felt great for a while, but then I couldn't run anymore and started walking. Then I heard Jesus again, "Katie. You don't have to sprint every race. I am not asking you to run as fast as you can...that is all you. If you would only pace yourself, you would be able to run for much longer. I am not even asking you to run at all. Walk if you want to. As long as you are moving forward you can crawl if need be." Man, if you all could have seen me then. I was one of those crazy people talking to themselves on the street. I shouted out "I GET IT!!" I TOTALLY get it!!!" God showed me that Sunday morning that all the pressure I have right now isn't from Him....it's from me. I need to stop looking down and worrying about what's going on and keep my head up and believe that God isn't going to let me stumble. I don't have to exhaust myself by sprinting into new things like I am a greyhound on it's first race of the day. All I have to do is just trust. Trust that if I keep my head up and keep moving forward even on those days were you can barely get out of bed, that God will not let me down. I pray that God give me the strength to keep my head up, because some days....I can't do it without him. I pray that God continue to move in my life in these awesome ways that get me so excited that I don't care that I look like I am crazy person talking to themselves. God is in control.

Life is like a box of chocolates...and I like to stick my finger in the bottom of all of them to see what I'm gonna get.

Ok...Life Freakout #345 2009 is officially over. There was a pity party for Katie and believe me....everyone was invited. Thank you to everyone who helped me get through this one (seriously, I love my friends and family). Phew! I hate that feeling. I can't stand feeling so overwhelmed by life that I totally freak out, won't listen to reason, and am one more bad thought away from quitting my job, shaving my head (thanks for the idea Britney), speaking only in Pirate (ahoy matey...me thinks me life is about ta walk the plank), watching reruns of Reba for 4 days straight (I actually did that during one very memoriable life freakout in 2006), and moving to Hazard, KY (it just sounds cool). BUT thank the Lord that none of that happened...especially the Hazard, KY part. The Duke boys are probably in their 60's and I don't look too hot in Daisy Dukes these days. But I digress...why did I have Life Freakout #345 2009, you ask!? Well, I don't really know for sure. It's a bit of a pattern I have. Just when life seems pretty freakin' awesome...what does Katie tend do!?...Katie tends to freaks out. It wasn't until this recent freakout did I recognize the pattern. Life freakouts are no longer a part of New Katie's life, BUT sometimes I forget and I allow the Old Katie to take charge again. The thing about Old Katie is that she couldn't handle things very well. So I died to that old life and became the Real Katie in Christ. Old Katie used to not be able to handle any kind of stress, but in Christ...I can do absolutely anything He wills me to do. It's truly a miracle. So, I am not going to blame this freakout crap on the devil, even though he is very well pleased when it happens...oh no...the freak outs are from me. From parts of me that need to be nailed up on the cross where they belong. That is what Jesus is talking about when He tells us to deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Him (paraphrase Luke 9:23). Jesus is saying that following Him is a daily process of denying yourself and placing those things that need to die upon the cross where they died with Jesus long ago.
What do you struggle with? Drinking, eating too much, starving yourself, shopping, gossiping, depression, worry, no faith, anxiety, lying, judging, stealing, drugs, etc? Until these things are dead, they must be placed on the cross daily. This. Is. HARD. For example...I love to eat. I live alone and when I am feeling lonely, I want to eat, and most times I do. Does it help me feel not alone!? Not at all. As much as I talk to the ice cream, it doesn't talk back to me. When I give in to what I know is something I shouldn't do, not only am I sinning which makes me feel like crap, but I am not denying myself. I am saying to God.."Hey! Thanks for dying for all of my sins and all, but I prefer to keep stuffing my face because you aren't sufficient to fill my void". But do I ever feel full? No, I don't. I could eat two pizzas and still be hungry...why!? Because I am actually hungry for God but refuse to deny my need to eat so that I can see that God is faithfully with me. So not only am I not full when I eat too much, but now I am mad at myself for not having control. And let's not forget that sin always involves a consequence....in my case...the awesome weight gain that occurs. Too bad for all of those new pants I bought (which also didn't make me feel any better about myself). Guess they'll just have to go in the "clothes I'll wear one day when I quit eating everything in sight" box. Will a new pair of shoes fill the void? Heck no...but I keep buying them. Will a hot guy fill the void....I WISH..but no...unfortunately that doesn't do it either. I have yet to hear of a case of someone being totally satisfied with what they have other than when they are in the presence of the Lord....some people may deny this claim...either because they are in complete denial or they have never been in the presence of God. When I freak out about life it's not because I am sitting there thinking that God doesn't have everything under control...it's not God I'm worried about. It's me. I'm worried that God has this awesome plan out there for me and I am going to make the wrong decision and miss it. I want to stick my finger in all the chocolates to find out what is in them because I can't stand not knowing. With God...every chocolate is filled with your favorite yummies...if only you will believe and just stop poking around and enjoy. I have changed so much and so quickly over these last few years that I barely remember what Old Katie was even like. I only get little glimpses when I have these little freakouts, but even they aren't that bad in comparision to how bad it used to be. There are many things that I have been able to give up because, honestly, they just stopped being enjoyable to me. God is now working on the things that are going to be painful to give up. My security blankies if you will. He wants to be in their place. Every time I feel like eating when I'm really not hungry....God wants to be there instead. Every time I feel like I need to buy something new to make myself look pretty....God wants to show me that I don't need new clothes and things...I am pretty in a potato sack because God's love shines from me. Every time I feel lonely...God wants to comfort me. The best moments of my whole life are when it's just God and me...chillin'. God wants me to take these deepest hurts and fears...and walk right up to the cross and nail them there. God isn't going to make me do it. He doesn't force us. But if we are to ever know the true joy of living in the Spirit of the Lord, then we need to be willing to give up our idols. Food is an idol to me. Having stuff...is an idol to me. All of these things will rust and rot, but God's love is eternal. So I start my journey of digging deeper. Any time that the old me tries to pop back up and run away...I am going to keep pushing forward. God has big plans for me and I don't need to know what they are right now...I just need to believe that they are good.

Man Overboard! All Hands on Deck...

Let's start off with my dream a few nights ago...

I am walking down a nice city street trying to meet up with some friends for lunch. It's midday and the sun is out and I feel relaxed. As I approach a crazy looking intersection with roads leading off in many different directions, I look up at the road signs to see that I am on Bee Street. I wanted to make sure that I stay once I get to the intersection I will be able to find where the other side of Bee street is so I can stay on the same street. There are no cars or people in sight, yet I don't feel alone...I just feel relaxed. I am enjoying Bee street. As I take my first step off of Bee street and into the intersection I start looking at all the other street signs to see which one is the other side of Bee street, but I don't see it. In fact, now the Bee street that I just stepped off of was gone. But I didn't feel worried...still relaxed. As soon as I turn to see that Bee street is no where to be found, I see a skinny shy young lady around my age walking next to me. She seems a little lost too, so I smile at her and say, "You lost too?" And she smiles shyly and replies, "I think so". I look around me and I see the road closest to me looks sunny and nice, so side by side we begin to walk up a steep incline of the road which happened to be the road closest to us at the time. We didn't talk, but I felt very relaxed...kinda like, I didn't know her...but I already liked her and cared about her. As we approach a little plateau in the street the sky ahead looks a little darker. At the same time I notice a man in black leaning against the building to my left and feel someone very close behind me. As I am noticing all of this I look over at the young lady and she is giving me a very nervous glance. She is positioning her body in a way that makes me think she is getting ready to defend herself if need be. Oddly enough, I still feel completely calm. Because I was calm, the young lady relaxed a bit. I turn around to see a good looking young man standing behind me looking really strung out. He eyes were all red and bugged out. I felt the presence of the man in black somewhere near me, but he hadn't moved from the building. I knew in my head that I was about to get robbed, but I didn't have any fear whatsoever. I slowly and calmly put myself between the young lady and the strung out young man. The young man then calmly spoke to me. He said, "I'm sorry, it's not personal. It's the drugs. I need them so now I have to take your money and anything else you have on you that I can sell." I said to him in a very calm voice, "OK. That's totally fine. If you don't mind, I'm going to walk over to this bench and empty out all I have on it so you can have all you want. I wish I had more, but that is all I have. One request though, I just ask that you let me keep my cell phone because I will need it to call my friends that I am meeting for lunch." He kindly obliged and calmly stood by as I poured out the contents of my huge purse. The young lady that was traveling with me just stood quietly behind me without saying a word. I believe that she had already handed her purse over to him. As he goes through my stuff more and more people come over to see if they can divide up my stuff among them. I sat on a short wall behind them and watched them gladly take my things. Even mocking some of it. As I sat there I felt very calm. None of that stuff they took mattered to me at all. In fact, as I watched them, all I could think about was how much I loved them and just delighted in them. One of the guys found a straw in my purse and put it in his hair as a joke and I started laughing with him and told him that it was definitely a good look for him. The young lady sat with me as well. We didn't talk at all. I felt like she was mimicking everything I did. My calmness kept her calm. At one point I decided it was time to call for help so I opened up my cell phone and dialed 911. I didn't want them to see me, so I just dialed the number and left the phone open on the grass. Their discussion turned to the fact that they knew the police were on their way. Then I woke up.

This dream has really stuck with me over the last few days as I have been basically freaking out about my life. I don't know exactly what it means, but I know that it's important. Today...I feel better. I feel like I have been under heavy enemy fire for days with no where to run. Maybe the reason I feel this way is because I have actually been under enemy fire. The more big steps I take towards God and reaching people for Him...the more I am under attack by the enemy. I WANT to retreat. I WANT to surrender. I WANT to give up and stop fighting. Where's my knight in shining armor!!!? Isn't this the part in the story where the hero rides up on his white horse and rescues the damsel in distress? But by the strength of God I keep fighting. God is strengthening me for a purpose. His purpose. Each attack I withstand without fainting is another step closer to being where God is calling me to be. This is what people mean with they say that following God ain't easy. You are going to be perfectly happy going down one road (Bee street if you will) and for no real reason you suddenly find yourself lost and not sure which road to take. You decide on a road and wish for the best. The right road is probably the hard road. God is going to want you to give....and people are going to take. Just think of it like you are trying to help someone that is drowning. You, as the good swimmer, are trying to get them to stop flailing around and freaking out and just trust you to help them. They don't realize that if they just calm down they will stop drowning. They are so freaked out, they can't even see that help is right beside them. Sometimes when you get too close when they are like that, they will accidentally drown you too because you get caught in their struggle. You try and help them and they climb up you to get to the top of the water and push you down under them. They don't mean to do it, it's just that they don't know any other way. It's survival. Desperate people do desperate things. But once they calm down and just let you help pull them back to shore, there is a chance that you will both survive. Sometimes it feels like you are the only swimmer in a sea of drowning people. But you aren't alone. God is there. God is your life vest. You are tied to the boat. God may have elected you to be the one to go out and save the dying, but He didn't send you out there without knowing how to swim. He trained you. He helped you build your strength and endurance. He didn't send you out there without a life vest. He didn't send you out there without HIM! So...I have been feeling overwhelmed. I have been feeling like I am supposed to help save people, but I need help staying afloat myself. I need a swim team. Even better...I need a coach. Considering that I have only been a Christian for a few short years of my life, I am pretty much a newborn. I still have my training wheels. So I am going to learn to be patient with myself, with others, and with God. I hate freaking out about my life. There is a lot I don't know...but the things I do know are:

1. God is very very real and alive
2. God is good
3. God loves me
4. I am not alone
5. I am here for a purpose
6. God already has my situation taken care of
7. God's word is true for me just like it is for everyone else!

No one is too bad for the Grace of God, and no one is good enough to deserve it.