The Big Move...

My life.  In a ten foot UHaul.



It's official.  I'm baaaaaaaaack! (said in the voice of that creepy little girl in the movie Poltergiest).  I'm back in the Mountain State for now.

I'm definitely still adjusting...with a capital DEF.  It hasn't fully hit me yet.  I still feel like I am on a long weekend in WV.  However, unlike a long weekend, all of my belongings are stuffed into my parent's garage and also in various closets.

My shoe collection.  My babies. :)

Technically, I know I quit my job, left my friends and my bro, and packed up my life in a 10 foot UHaul and moved it through snow covered mountains; but it still feels like tomorrow I am going to wake up to my extraordinarily annoying alarm that blares Callipso music and not remember anything else until I find myself sitting in front of my computer in my office, checking my voicemails and emails with a cup of coffee I make in my non-Biomedical engineering approved (secrets out!) mini coffee pot.  But I'm not.  Tomorrow, just like today, I'm going to wake up at my parent's house by the sound of them making breakfast, watching the news, and talking to the dog.  A few days from  now I might be resting my head at someone's else's house.  And then next week, another.  Oh, the life of a nomad.
My last week in DC was hard, but at the same time...not hard.

One of the best moments of the week was the night before I moved.  My best friend Wajh and I grabbed some sushi  and a bottle of wine from Whole Foods after work and had full intentions of coming back to my place to pack and clean.  But instead, we stayed up until midnight looking at pictures in my photos albums,  telling new stories, and re-telling old ones.  By the end of the evening we found ourselves sitting on my kitchen floor encouraging and reassuring each other.  

What we have realized over the years is that trusting in God is all we really have.  Nothing is a guarantee no matter how hard we work, try to protect ourselves, or try to plot and plan to make things work out the way we want.  God doesn't fit in a box and His plans are bigger and better than anything we could ever come up with.  That fact is both extremely comforting and extremely uncomfortable.  We love to think we have control.  But we don't.  Luck for us, God speaks to His children.  He guides us.  His sheep will know His voice (John 10:27 paraphrase).  All we have to do...is listen. 

The morning of my move, Wajh had to work so she wasn't there to help carry my bags and bags of shoes or my library of books.  But, she ended up helping me more than I could have imaginged.  She sent me this picture:

 When she went to work, she saw this sign at the hospital and took a pic and sent it to me.  This gives me hope.  Hope that I am doing the right thing.  Pursing your dreams is one of the hardest things you can ever do.  There will be tons of people telling you one way or another that you can't do it, or that you are aiming too high, or tell you stories of their failed dreams.  People will want you to hold on the side of the pool instead of swimming out into the deep end.   It's not because people are mean or evil; it's because they want to protect you.  They don't want you to get hurt or go through hardships.  Or it could be that if you succeed at your dream, then that means that they might be able to succeed at theirs.  And to find out, they will also have to let go of things they are comfortable with and tread water in the deep end.  And it's not just other people that will be telling me to play it safe.  I'll be telling myself to do so as well. 

It's a familiar voice.  The one that whispers to me that I'm crazy, or I can't do this, or that I won't find the money to go to school, or that I'm not going to make the right decisions, or that I will end up stuck somewhere in another job I hate just to get by, etc.  This voice has kept me from my dreams all of my life.  I'm not strong enough to fight against all of the fear and opinions of others; but Jesus is.  He is the one that is telling me that I can do ANYTHING.  He is telling me that this is JUST THE BEGINNING of all the miracles that I am about to witness.  He is telling me that if I trust in Him I will have so much LOVE, WISDOM, PEACE, and HAPPINESS that it won't be able to stop it from overflowing from me and into the lives of those around me.  His voice is my resting place.   His love is all I need. 

Today, I am having a hard time with all this.  I feel overwhelmed.  I don't have a plan.  I don't know what to do first. I don't know what to expect in the days to come.

I feel like I am supposed to figure this all out, like...today...so that everyone can just relax.

I don't have an answer to the questions, "What are you gonna do?" or "Where are you gonna work?" or "When are you gonna work?" or "Where will you go to school?"  or "How will you pay for school along with the money you already owe!?" or "What do you want for lunch?"

I can't even decide on lunch, people!

Everyone has an opinion or some advice about what to do about all of it; except me.  I feel like my job for now is to sit at the feet of my Savior and listen.  Not only does this make me uncomfortable, but it also makes the people around me uncomfortable.  Everyone has something for me to do in order to get my new life on it's way.  A list of responsible things that grown ups do when they quit their job and don't have any clear direction on what to do next.  But something in me isn't allowing me to do these responsible grown up things just yet.  Sitting and waiting is way harder to do than it would be for me to go out and get another job tomorrow.  Getting another job isn't going to be that hard.  Waiting on the Holy Spirit to guide me...is the hardest thing to do. 

Life is full of to-do lists and should-do lists and can't-do lists.  I want to throw out all of those lists and let Jesus, the One that Created me for a purpose, direct my steps. 

Am I scared as hell!???  You bet cha.  Big time.  If I allow myself to think about it for too long, my blood runs cold.   I don't want to let anyone down.  I've let people down before, and I don't want to ever do it again.  BUT (I like big BUTs and I cannot lie) I have to risk letting people down, and letting myself down, in order to go down the road less traveled; the one that Jesus promised us would be hard to find and even harder to stay on....BUT that would lead us to LIFE!!!

It was four years ago that I made a similiar transition in my life.  I was getting ready to get married and then three weeks beforehand I called it all off, quit my job, got back together with an ex-boyfriend, and moved to DC.  There were a lot of people that thought I was crazy.  My parents wondered aloud to me, "Kate, don't you ever want to be happy?  Why do you keep messing your life up!?"  I wondered the same things.   I wondered why I couldn't do anything right.  I wondered why I was such a royal mess up.  Looking back from where I am now, I see that even though all of that was extremely messy and seemed like a horrible failure; it was what needed to happen in order for me to really meet Jesus.  The real Jesus.  Not the Jesus I thought I knew.  Not the Jesus that I heard about in church...the few times I had gone.  Not the Jesus that I had constructed in my head.  The real Jesus. 

I met the living God.  Face-to-face.  He saved me.  He showed me that I am NOT a royal mess up, destined to be an unhappy wreck.  He showed me who I am in Him.  And now...I am willing to give everything I know, everything I own, and everything I hold onto for comfort  to Him.  I want for Him to take what little I have and multiply it so that I can help Him save other lost and empty souls like He saved mine.  If Jesus can take a few loaves of bread and feed thousands, then He can take what I have and do the same.  There will be times like today where I want to crawl in a cave and not come out until everything is all fixed and figured out.  But that's okay.  Change is hard.  If I've learned anything from living in DC, I've learned that I can do anything as long as I lean on Jesus.  I can't tell you how many times I was told something was impossible in my last job.  If I would have tried in my own strength, then I am sure it would have been impossible.  So I did the only thing I knew to do when all of my resources are exhausted and I need to make the impossible possible...I hit my knees and prayed.  Sometimes right in my office.  And there was not ONE TIME that Jesus didn't come through for me.  Not once did I have to say, "You're right.  That is impossible."  Even when I am scared, like today, I know my Savior is bigger than my fear.  I know that I will never have to utter the words, "You're right.  That is impossible." 

Sorry this is such a long post.  I've been writing it since yesterday.  My parent's computer is so slow that it keeps freezing up on me.  I asked my dad if they forgot to feed the hamster living inside it that keeps it running. :)  I got jokes!!!!!

I'll keep ya'll posted as I take each day one at a time.  I am believing for big things!!!! BIG big big!

Love,

Katie

Bailey has kept me entertained.  She thinks she's a human.

      

Dove That Ventured Outside....

Dove that Ventured Outside
Dove that ventured outside,     flying far from the dovecote:
housed and protected again,     one with the day, the night,
knows what serenity is,            for she has felt her wings
pass through all distance and fear     in the course of her wanderings.

The doves that remained at home,     never exposed to loss,
innocent and secure,     cannot know tenderness;
only the won-back heart     can ever be satisfied: free,
through all it has given up,     to rejoice in its mastery.

Being arches itself     over the vast abyss.
Ah the ball that we dared,     that we hurled into infinite space,
doesn't it fill our hands     differently with its return:
heavier by the weight     of where it has been.


-Rainer Maria Rilke

Day Dream Believer....

"Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter." - Francis Chan

This quote wrecked my life.

And I hope that it is going to wreck yours.

I think it was a combination of things that finally lead me to make my recent decision to change every single aspect of my life as I know it.  Sound dramatic!?  That's 'cause it is.

When you allow God to take a wrecking ball to to your life, things can't help but get a little dramatic.  But there's good news; great news, actually!  After the dust has settled and the old life you had built for yourself lays around you in scattered broken pieces...the rebuilding begins.  This time, God lays the foundation; God provides the materials; God designs the structure and the purpose it will serve. 

It's scary.  Change is always scary.  But with Jesus there is a peace that transcends all understanding (Phil 4:7). 

I know you're probably itching to hear what I've gone and done, so let's get down to it. 

I decided to quit my job as an Administrator at Georgetown University Hospital in Washington, DC and move back to my home state of West Virginia in order to pursue the dream that God laid on my heart many years ago.  Next Friday is my last day at work, and on Saturday the 29th the McNemar's and friends are moving me out of the city and back to WV.   I'm going all Green Acres, ya'll!  (The theme song is playing in your head right now isn't it!? [insert evil  laugh here])


I'm gonna be honest.  I'm scared crap-less (edited for content) of telling you all the details of my dream.  It's scarier to talk about my dream than it is to uproot my entire life.   What if my dream doesn't come true?  What if I am making the biggest mistake of my life and by telling you all this, you will have front row seats to my failure?  What if this isn't what God wants me to do and everything is going to fall apart and I'm going to become some crazy hillbilly?  What if I'm not strong enough to do it?  What if I keep typing "what if" scenarios ad nausem?? 

But fear does not exist in this dojo. 

As I have told people that I am moving back to my home state, I have gotten mixed reactions.   Some people feel that moving to West Virginia is like a step backwards for me.  They feel that I have worked so hard to get where I am with my job and make it in DC (which is a tough place to live when you're supporting yourself) that it would be crazy to give it all up and move back to a state that doesn't have a lot of job opportunities and lacks some metropolitan flair.  West Virginia gets a bad rap. It's true that there is a lot of poverty in my home state, but then again there is a lot of poverty everywhere.  What we might lack in subways and skyscrapers...we have in family values, community, beautiful mountains, and hard working, God-fearing people.  I grew up having everything I needed and plenty of what I wanted, but more importantly I was raised by a community of people that have worked hard for what they have and have instilled their values and morals in me.  I could live anywhere I want.  I don't have a husband and kids (or a boyfriend for that matter), so I the possibilities for me are endless...and yet I find myself longing for those Country Roads.

We live in a time where we are told to look out for ourselves.  We are encouraged to pursue careers, make money, have stuff, and get the job done, now matter who you have to step on to get there.  If we don't work ourselves to death, then we aren't successful.  But to me, the true measure of success will not be whether or not I can live in DC, move up in my career, or get married and have babies.  To me, you are successful when you are willing to give everything you have to God and then follow Him.  When Jesus called James, Johns, Simon and Andrew away from their fishing business, He promised to make them fishers of men.  I'm sure they could have spent the rest of their lives getting by with their fishing business, but Jesus took what they gave Him and multiplied it because they were willing to sacrifice it in order to follow Him. 

But living in WV, isn't my dream; as excited as I am.  My dream has little to do with WV.  WV just so happens to be the means in which I will be able to pursue my dreams with the added benefit of having my friends and family close by to support and encourage me.  When I decided to give up my job and follow Jesus, at first, I wasn't really sure where I was going and why.  I just said..."Okay! Let's roll!"  While I prayed for direction, Jesus revealed to me something I have kept hidden deep down in my heart for a long time.  A dream I've had since I can remember.  I didn't want to ever let it back up out of the tomb I closed it up in, but like how Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead...He raised my dreams!

What a friend I have in Jesus!

Obviously, I am stalling....so I'll tell you my dream.  Thank you for being patient.

Deep breath.

I am going to go back to school in order to become a Counselor. 

There. I said it!

But wait there's more...

I have an undergraduate degree in Psychology, and from a young age always wanted to be a counselor.  After undergrad, I thought I would just take a few years off to figure things out and save up some money, but ultimately...life happened.  I followed other people's dreams.  I lost myself.  I lost my purpose.  Over the last few years, I have been allowing God to come into all of the broken places and restore me.  God's timing is perfect.  He resurrects our dreams at just the right time after He has equipped us to carry them out.  When I was younger I felt like I wasn't smart enough or driven enough to pursue my dreams.  Over the last few years God has shown me just how smart and strong I really am, but He had a lot of work to do on me first.

My passion has always been women's issues; such as physical and emotional abuse and domestic violence, depression and anxiety, and other types of struggles that debilitate and scar us.  God has shown me that I didn't suffer for no reason.  The hardships I've faced have given me the ability to understand women (and men) that face the same issues.  It seriously brings a tear to my eye just to type this paragraph.  Working with adolescents and teens in the youth ministry over the last few years, has completely broken my heart for them and the decisions they face on a daily basis.  It was hard for me 15 years ago, but I can't imagine how hard it is now to be a teenager.  I want to tell them what I went through, and give them the tools and the strength to know who they are and how precious and special they are to God.  I am 30 years old and am still deeply effected by decisions I made when I was a teenager.  I want to guide them towards Jesus' healing and restorative Grace and Love. 

For this reason, I am going to go back to graduate school.  Somehow.  Some way.

I always made excuses.  I've always limited myself to the safety of a career that I was good at, but felt no passion for.  If I failed at this, then it wasn't as bad as failing at my dream.  But God is not content to let us stay where we are.  It's my time, and even if it takes a year or so...I will do this.  Not because I am strong enough, or I am dedicated enough...but because if it is God's desire...there is no stopping me.  I dream of one day traveling around to middle schools, high schools, colleges, anywhere...giving my testimony and working with people in order to bring healing to their lives.  I dream of one day writing a book that will bring glory to God in a way that only my story can.  I don't care where I live, or what kind of car I drive, whether I am married or not.  I just care that I have the strength to throw down my fishing nets and follow Jesus.  ( I am so excited writing this that I am standing up at my desk typing!) 

I had a dream one night that I was walking through the woods.  There was no path, but I didn't feel lost.  As I walked, I would occasionally come upon a path, and I would follow it, but then I would end up crawling through the brush again.  At some point, I realize that there are people following behind me.  I can't see their faces,  but I get a feeling inside me that I am leading them.  Then someone comes up and grabs my hand and tells me that they feel lost and don't know where to go.  I squeeze their hand and tell them that I have been through these woods many many times before and even when there is no clear path, they have to keep fighting to move through. 

So, there you have it folks.  It's scary to put all this out there.   I seriously don't want to publish this.  This is the first time I've ever done something like this.  This is the first time I've made a goal of pursuing my dreams.

I'll be moving back to WV with no job, but with a burning desire to do whatever Jesus calls me to do.  Please pray for me as I take this massive leap of faith.  I feel so blessed that my family and friends are supporting me while I get everything figured out.  My best friend Julie is letting me stay with her in Charleston and my parents are offering to feed me all the good cookin' I can handle when I'm in my hometown of Buckhannon.  So, please pray for them as well, because I am sure that this will be a big adjustment for all of us (and please pray that my mom make me some cornbread and beans with fried potatoes. I'm sure you can understand the importance of such a prayer request).  I'm going to look for a job and work while I do what I have to do to get into school.  My friend Tony blogged today about giving of your money and time, and that is exactly what my friends and family are doing.  They aren't giving to me so that they can get something....I ain't got nothing to give 'em!  They are giving from their hearts.  For the first time I am giving up control and letting people help me.  I'm a prideful, stubborn, strong-willed lady, but I am willing to give that up in order to see Jesus' plan for me come to fruition.  Thank you all for your support!  I'm sorry this post is so long.  I'll be sure to keep you updated along the way.  I'll do my best to be honest. 


So to all my friends in DC.... I LOVE YOU and thank you!  This is so bitter-sweet.  Don't worry, you haven't gotten rid of me yet.  My brother still lives up here and I know I'll get a hankerin' (I'm already trying to get my twang back so I won't seem too out of place) to bust some serious dance moves with ya'll (there it is again).

To all my friends and family in WV...let's get this party started!!!!!!

Okay.  I'm going to go puke now.

Love,

Krazy Katie