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| Almost Heaven, WV... |
I decided long ago, never to walk in any man's shadow, if I fail, I succeed...oh wait. That's what Whitney Houston decided. Sorry. She and I both have sweaty upper lips when we sing, so I get confused. I decided that I would never blog just to blog. I always want to make sure that everything I write pours out of me and isn't forced. That is most likely just an excuse to not have to share the tough stuff, but for now that's the banner I'm waving.
I want to tell you about all that I have been doing over these last three months, but I feel like I wouldn't be able to do it justice right now. I haven't gotten paid, but I have been working. I have been busy doing the work of my Father. I have learned so much about myself over these last three months. I know that one day I will look back on this time and covet what once was.
I have been given the opportunity to learn how to trust God on a daily, sometimes moment-by-moment basis. Learning how to live for your daily bread and nothing more is hard to do when you have a career plan and have always done a pretty good job of taking care of yourself. Over these last three months I have learned to sit and wait on God. This is the hardest lesson I've ever learned. Praying for more trust is just as or more dangerous than praying for more patience. And we all know what happens when we accidentally pray for more patience. I don't even want to think about it. :)
Each day that I lean on Him I learn more about His character, His promise, His voice, His discipline, and His love. Sometimes people don't understand my decisions or why I do what I do. They misinterpret my not having a paid "job" right now as being lazy. I could try to explain myself, but instead I just let them believe what they want to believe. My pride and selfishness have taken so many hits over these last few months that I am surprised they still get up off the mat for another round. But they do. They raise their hands up in defense only to have their leg swept from under them once again.
Some days I feel close to God and some days I feel as far away from Him as the Earth is to the sun. I feel like I gaze at Him from a distance wishing I could feel His warmth, but only feeling as if His presence has been eclipsed by darkness. Some days I know with 100% certainty that I am walking in God's will and other days I feel like I have made all of this up in my head. Some days I realize that I am living my dreams and other days I feel like I am just grabbing at straws in order to convince myself that what I am doing is the dream God planted in my Spirit. Some days I seek God with all my heart and other days I hide my face from Him in anger like a spoiled brat. Some days I feel like everywhere I turn I feel loved and encouraged, other days I feel lonely and distant.
But I don't give up.
I perservere.
I trust.
I rejoice!
God loves me. He isn't a jerk. He doesn't throw me into a maze and laugh at me as hit my nose off the walls as I frantically try to find my way to the exit. He love me. He doesn't plant a dream in my Spirit and then make it totally impossible to achieve. He isn't a bully. He doesn't send me into the desert alone. He speaks tenderly to me there. He loves me more than I can ever know. Most days I feel like it's almost unfair all the blessings and moves of God that I get to witness. If I keep my heart open and not let the lies of the enemy creep in, I see God everywhere.
I am beginning to sense another big shift in my life. I see the widening glow of the light at the end of the tunnel. I run towards it with perserverance. I don't allow myself to grow weary despite the distance. I know that each step isn't just towards my goal...it is my goal. Every moment counts. Every experience whether I perceive it as "good" or "bad" is all a part of my story. Even when I fail, God uses it for His glory. I don't understand how, but I am sure glad that He does. My fear of not trying is now greater than my fear of failure and that, my friends, is priceless. If the worst thing that can happen to me this side of Heaven is to be alone, hated, starved, rejected, beaten and homeless, then I will at least truly understand what it is to take up the cross that my Savior so willinging took for me. But today, by the grace, mercy, and love of God, that hasn't happened. So therefore I turn to my Abba, my Daddy, my Best Friend, my Counselor, my Helper, my Healer, and I praise Him and I thank Him for all I have when I don't deserve any of it. I have parents, friends, and a boyfriend that love and support me every day no matter what. I have a comfortable bed to lay my head in every night. I have yummy food every day. I have a dream and a purpose. I am so amazingly blessed.
Love,
Katie Mae
What are you thankful for today? Shout it loud and proud!!
Have you ever wondered if you were following God's dream or your own? What do you do when you feel far from God?
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