A Closer Walk With Thee...

It's been amazing chronicling my path on this blog over the last few years.  What a beautiful story I have!  The great mystery of how God can guide me and yet give me choices has been played out time and again throughout the last few years.  He has such unique ways of speaking to me; such as through the life of a duck named Thelma.  I love sharing my story with you, not because I am trying to give you a bullet point list of the best way to live your life, but because I want to show you the importance of a personal relationship with Jesus.

I believe that our Daddy loves us and trusts us so much that He gives us choices that are all one way or another in His will.  There are times that He grabs our hands and leads us.  Others that He snatches us from the snares and drop offs.  And then there are the times that He turns around and watches us stand at the crossroads that all lead to Him and He lets us decide which way we desire to go.  

The closer we are to Him, the more confidence we have to take the road less traveled.

Although God told me to quit my job in faith a few times, it most certainly hasn't been how He's guided me every time I've felt unhappy with my job or anything else in life.  There have been times that I have felt dissatisfied and wanted to quit or give up only to hear from Him that it wasn't time.  He knows me better than I know myself.  He knows that I need to build my perseverance through tough situations.  It's more important to Him that I be refined and made more Christlike than it is how happy I feel in the moment.  There aren't many people out there who don't kick at the goads a bit when they know they are going to have to change.  We are quick to run away from any situation that seems too big or too scary.  God knows that about us.  We always look for the easiest way; the path of least resistance.  And even though He knows that about us, He doesn't give up.  He continues to give us situations that grow our character.  

There are times we are to persevere and then there are times where He does want us to get out; and move quickly.  There isn't time to doubt and worry.  There is only time to move forward in faith.  So many times I've stayed way longer in places or situations than I should have and I paid the consequences for it. 

We may have choices as to which way we go, but every choice has a consequence.

It's hard to know which is the right way sometimes.  God doesn't tend to make things black and white.  The closer I get to God the more comfortable I get with living in the gray areas of life.  Not having a list of right and wrong answers draws us closer to the Holy Spirit to guide us.  I may not always know that what I am doing is the right thing, but I do know that even if I am wrong and I fail, my Daddy never leaves me and never stops loving me.  If you are stuck in indecision, sometimes the best thing you can do is just decide on something and go for it with all you got.  You might be wrong, but either way you'll have grown in your relationship with God.  You will learn His voice of confirmation, or you will learn His voice of correction. Both of them are healing and life changing.

Learning His voice and growing closer to Him is worth the risk of failing and falling.  And when you learn that you hear His voice and you can trust Him, your faith will flourish and mature.

People have written me and asked me if they should quit their jobs or they've already quit their jobs and are wondering if they should wait for the perfect job even if it takes years to find.  The truth is....I don't have any idea what you should do.   I would love to tell you what to do because that is one of my top five favorite things ever, but the truth is that you need to ask your Daddy and let Him guide you.

Whether you stay where you are in faith, or you head out into the wild blue yonder in faith, see that no matter what...He is good.

Loves,

Katie "Trailblazer" Alicea

Duck Tales...

Duck butts!

Hello friends!  It's well past time for an update!

Today I'm going to tell a story about a duck named Thelma and how God spoke to me through her.  (Hey, He can speak through a donkey, why not a duck?!....or a dog?)

Tony and I live in a beautiful little community in Pompano Beach, FL.  Although it is full of condos, this is still considered a nature preserve and so there are all kinds of ducks, cranes, birds, turtles, lizards, and apparently somewhere out there lurks an alligator.  

One day as I was getting out of my car, I saw something move in the bushes that line the curb beside my parking space.  I peered through the branches to see it was a beautiful duck, and she was sitting on a nest.  I'm sure it's no surprise to you at all that I talked to her and named her.  

She looks like a Thelma.  Trust me.  

I ran inside the apartment and excitedly exclaimed, "Tony!!  Guess what!?"

"Um, you won the lottery?  You met Ryan Gosling?  Whitney is off the air?, " he guessed as a smile spread across his face.

"No!! BETTER!!!  There's a duck in the bush beside my car!"

Okay, so maybe I'm a bit prone to overexcitement.

Before I tell you more about Thelma, let me switch gears and tell you what was going on in my heart around this time.  After a few months at my job, I realized this was not what I wanted to do forever.  I couldn't quite understand at the time why I was feeling this way.  Clearly God had lined this job up for me.  If that was true, then why was I feeling like it didn't quite fit? 

God had begun stirring something in my heart before I left my job in DC, and I haven't been able shake it.  He hasn't been specific about what this thing will look like.  He hasn't told me where I will be and what I will be doing.  I've just known that I will know when I know...ya know!?

So when I met Thelma, I was at a place of knowing that this job wasn't for me, but not knowing what to do about it.  I had just gone through a few pretty huge transitions.  I had moved away from my family and friends.  I had just gotten married.  Tony had just started a new job that was part time.  We are in need of a new car (sadly, my Jeep is in the death throws).  It didn't seem like  good time to tell my husband I wasn't happy at my job.  

So for awhile I didn't say anything.  I thought that it was just me struggling with the transition.

Every morning on my way to my car and every evening on my way in from work I would stop and look in on Thelma and say hello.  I felt a kinship with this little duck.  I felt like I understood what it was like to sacrifice yourself for what was to come later.  I understood how it feels to protect a delicate, precious future promise.  I have laid down my dreams, covered them, and waited for the day that my waiting and wanting would end.  

As the other mama ducks waddled around the property with their baby ducks in toe, I would see Thelma patiently sitting on her nest.  Time kept passing.  The other baby ducks were getting older, but no babies for Thelma.  Not yet.

I finally told Tony how I was feeling about my job.  He was totally understanding and supportive and told me that it was time to move on.  The one question he asked me was, "what do you want to do?".  I felt weird at the time telling him that I didn't know, but that I would know it when I saw it.

The very next day, after we had decided it was time to look for something new, Tony talked to some of his friends to see if they knew of anything.  One of Tony's friends told him about a job opening where he works and would be happy to talk to me about it if I was interested.  As Tony told me a vague description of the job, I knew already in my heart that this was it.

The very next day after our decision that I needed to look for a new opportunity, I knew I had found my new job.

I don't think Tony would mind if I tell you that he thought I was jumping the gun a bit.  I didn't even really know much about the job or even the organization.  He thought I might just be anxious to leave and was putting all my eggs in the first basket I found.

I talked with Tony's friend, sent him my resume, and waited.

A few days later I get an email inviting me for an interview.  I was SO excited!  I couldn't believe how quickly things were moving and working out!

The only issue was that I couldn't leave my job yet.  My office was short staffed and there was no way I could leave until the office manager came back, and she wouldn't be back for at least another month and a half.  

I replied that I was interested in setting up the interview (it couldn't hurt to interview, right!?), but only got a reply a week later that interviews were on hold and they would contact me later to set up an interview time.  At first I was disappointed.  Tony advised me to start looking for other jobs in the area, but I told him that I knew I wasn't supposed to.  I knew that even if this job didn't work out, God was going to open the door Himself and all I had to do was wait.  I think that made Tony a little nervous, but I assured him that this is how God and I roll.  I stopped striving a while ago and I wasn't going to pick it back up no matter how unsure the future looked.

What do ducks think about while they sit on their eggs all day and wait?

That is one of the many questions I had for Thelma, but she didn't answer me.  Time kept ticking on.  More baby ducklings hatched by other ducky mamas, but Thelma was still waiting.  If ducks could make expressions I would say she was getting a little impatient.  The rainy season had begun a few weeks back and it pained me to think of Thelma sitting in the rain while lightening streaked the sky above her.  As if the waiting wasn't bad enough.  Now she's stuck in the rain.

Work was becoming more and more stressful for me.  I felt like I was stuck in the rain too.  I didn't know what was going to happen next, but I knew it was time to go.  Tony and I had decided that I was going to leave whether I got this job or not.  This was a huge leap of faith, but for some reason we weren't worried about it. 

A few days before my office manager returned to work, I got an email to set up my interview.  Isn't God's timing perfect!? I scheduled the interview and waited on God to tell me what to do next.

This may sound a bit crazy, but I knew that it would be time to quit my job as soon as Thelma's eggs hatched.  

A week after my office manager got back to the office after being gone for a few months, Thelma's eggs hatched.  

I gave my notice the next day.

I don't know which one I was more excited about...giving my notice or seeing Thelma's 21 ducklings.  That's right...twenty one!!! I counted them myself.  The average hatching is around 9 to 14 duckings.   

One evening when I came home from work, I saw Thelma and her clan waddling through the front yard of our building.  There was a lady standing there watching them and I struck up a conversation with her.   She told me that she had lived in the community for about 10 years and had loved watching the ducks and their hatchlings.  She told me she couldn't believe that this duck had so many ducklings; she had never seen one have that many.  I know it sounds so strange, but I felt so proud of Thelma and her sacrifice.  She may have been the one to wait the longest for her promise, but she got more babies duckies for her troubles.  I know she's a duck and she was just doing what ducks do, but it was miraculous to me none-the-less.  

Everyone at my job was so super supportive and understanding.  I left there knowing that God had done something very important in me and through me with this position.  

I also left not knowing whether or not I was going to have a job.

After a couple of awesome interviews, I was offered the job!!  

You're now looking at (or more accurately: reading the words of) the Relationship Manager/Assistant to the President of OneHope (check out their website to find out what they are all about)!!  

Another leap of faith and another opportunity to see that God is faithful.  

Thelma and her ducklings have moved on from my building, but sometimes I get the opportunity to see them.  Some mornings as I look out my window that over looks the water, I see her and her little ones walking along the waters edge.   I miss seeing her in the bushes by my car, but you can't sit and wait forever.  She can't stay at the nest while her babies run about.  When the promise comes, it's time to leave the nest and experience the gift of all that waiting. 

I'm ready to leave the nest as well.  I've learned so much in the waiting, but it's time to get excited about stepping into my next adventure!

Don't give up on your dreams or desires.  Sometimes there will be a detour.  Sometimes you will have to lay them down and wait.  But know that God is faithful to fulfill His promises.  He is a good Daddy. When I look back at my older blog posts where I write about leaving DC and what has transpired since then I am totally in awe.  If God Himself would have told me that I would meet my future husband, move to Florida, and meet so many amazing new people I don't think I would have believed Him.  This transition hasn't been easy, but I wouldn't take a moment of it back.  If you want to really live you have to be willing to step out into the unknown and risk failing, falling, and being wrong.  Looking back over my life, it's within my scariest, most unsure moments that I have grown the most.  I draw closest to Jesus in that place.  And the closer to Him the better.

It's good to be writing again.

I missed you all.

Loves,

Katie Alicea

My Funny Valentine...

A pic from the first time we met in 2011

One year ago today I saw my future husband's face for the first time. Even though we had only talked a few times on the phone, he asked me to be his Valentine. So forward! I loved it.

When his face appeared on my computer screen I knew I was in trouble. Oh....that smile.

It's been a whirl wind since then. Skype, emails, phone calls, flying to and from for only a few days in the same location, moving to FL, getting engaged, getting married 3 months later, moving into our own place. It's been fast and it's been AMAZING.

We've been married for 4 short months now and I feel like it was years ago that our romance began.

I love lists, so I thought I would write a list of the things that I've learned and loved over this short amount of time that I've been with my man:

1. I love that Tony does the dishes, picks up around our place and gets it all tidy, and makes the bed every day. I don't even have to ask him to do it. It's just done. When I was single I didn't know I would love something like this so much, but now that I have someone else sharing a living space with me and I don't have to do it all by myself, I notice it and I love it!

2. Tony thinks I'm cute and funny. He laughs at me when I pretend to be a small animal and burrow into his chest. He looks at me like I'm crazy when I start doing my Liz Lemon/Elaine dance to the music in my head. He thinks it's adorable that all of my impersonations sound like Ray Ramono or Kermit the Frog. Sometimes we just sit and make faces at each other. Something we started doing over Skype when we got to hour 4 and were too tired to talk anymore. If there is something funny to be found in something. We will find it. We're goofy. We play. We laugh. I love this about us. My prayer is that we laugh forever. God is Joy!

3. This man has the listening power of a voice recorder. Not a peep, ya'll. He listens. Even when I wish he didn't. He does. He remembers everything that is important to me. He remembers all of the things that hurt or upset me. He listens to me talk and talk for hours and doesn't get annoyed. I don't know how he does it. I tell him everything. Every. Thing. Maybe it's not supposed to be that way. Maybe there are convos best left to my girlfiriends or strangers in line at Target, but I can't help but tell him my thoughts. It's a combination of knowing that he cares and also wanting him to know me better. One day when we have a house full of little people we may not have all the time to talk like we do now; so I'm taking advantage.

4. I love listening to him. I know, it's hard to believe that with all my talking that I would find time to listen, but I do. I LOVE his thoughts, ideas, dreams, feelings, jokes, and puns...I even love it when he makes fart noises with his mouth. It's in our talking with each other that we see more and more what God is doing in our lives or wants to do in our lives. Tony and I may come from different angles and in different ways, but..we have the same goal...God's glory. The more I hear him talk about what he's learned or what excites and fires him up, the more I love him.

5. He is so warm all the time. Jacob Black ain't got nothin' on Tony Alicea. Every time I hug him, I say, "You're waaaarm!" It's just awesome.

6. He is an amazing cook! When we first got married, both of us were like, um, we don't know how to cook. And then there was Pinterest and Food Network.com. We have been cooking up a storm for each other over these last couple of months. We have two different cooking styles. Tony follows the cooking directions to a tee; including using fresh ingredients. I can't follow a recipe exactly to save my life. I have to change it in some way. Interesting, huh!? :)

7. He loves me. When I hurt, he hurts. When I'm happy, he's happy. He longs to please me and make me smile. He listens to my needs and is careful with my heart. When I mess up or act like a 5 year old, he forgives me. He loves my attention and affection. He misses me when I'm not around. He says awesome things about me all the time. His love makes me want to be a better person. Isn't that exactly what it should do? He is patient, he is kind, he doesn't brag when he's right and I'm wrong, he doesn't get jealous, he doesn't act arrogantly, he nevers dishonors me, he isn't quick to anger, he doesn't keep a record of all the wrongs I've done, he always protects me, always trusts me, always has hope in me, and always perseveres through the rough places. He is my husband and I am so proud to be his wife.

There are so many more reasons I love my husband, but some of those would be inappropriate to list, so we'll leave it at that. :)

Happy Valentine's Day to my amazingly awesome husband, Tony! May the rest of our days be filled with love, light, joy, and unicorn farts*!

*He knows what that means. And he thinks it's adorable.

Loves,

Katie Alicea

Jesus at the DMV...

There are three places on Earth that I do my best to avoid at all costs:

1. Black Friday shopping.  Anywhere.  Anytime.  Never.  Just never, ever.

1a. Wal*Mart. Where every day is Black Friday.

2. The dentist.  I know...unlike black Friday shopping, the dentist really isn't something you should avoid.  Teeth are super important.  They are used for smiling, and chewing, and biting people while they sleep.  I get it.  And before you start in with the jokes about WV people not having teeth and I have to attack you with lightening fast ninja moves (while wearing cowboy boots), let me just say that I still force myself to go to the dentist; albeit not as often as I should.  But seriously, can I get an Amen! about how super horrible it is to sit through minutes upon minutes of that drill sound whilst having  a deep heart-to-heart with your hygienist even though your mouth is wide open and you're drooling on yourself?  

3. The DMV.  I don't need to elaborate here.  

It's not against the law to skip out on black Friday shopping, and thankfully, even the dentist.  However, it's required by law that you get a new driver's license when you move and/or change your name.  Seeing as how I recently did both of those things, I had to make a date with destiny and get thyself down to the DMV.  Did I wait waaaay longer than I should have?  Yes. Yes I did.  But just like taxes and death, you can't avoid the DMV.

Every single time I've gone to the DMV it's been the same cliche experience.  The people that work there are rude and the people waiting are rude.  Everyone is angry, in a hurry, has some sort of oozing bodily injury, contagious skin disease, or uncontrollable cough, and is most likely talking loudly on their cell phone about how rude and gross everyone is.  I'm pretty sure you've probably encountered some version of the same thing. 

So as I was getting all 21 of my documents prepared that prove who I am and where I live, I was not-so-much looking forward to yet another DMV experience.  Even though I "made an appointment", I planned to be there for hours.  I figured the whole "appointment" thing was really just another device the DMV utilizes in order to torture you slowly by giving you hope of faster service and then making you wait even longer for thinking you were worthy of such special treatment.

Basically, I was preparing for the worst.  (I should really learn to take my own advice.  Bad Katie.)

When I got to the DMV, carting my portfolio of documents, there was already a long line.  I made a quick scan of the area and found that the environment appeared worse than I had expected.  Grey, cracked walls.  Crusty white floors. People sitting in metal folding chairs. The faint smell of stale air, old french fries, and disappointment.  I looked for the sign that said, "Come over here if you have an appointment! :D  We have peanut butter fudge, bear hugs, and unicorn rides!", but I didn't see it.   There were children running around with only a diaper on.  Customers yelling through the tiny hole in the plexyglass window at the exasperated young lady in charge of parking tickets.   It wasn't pretty, ya'll.

It was so DMV.

As I stood in line awaiting my turn with the disinterested front desk person, something happened.

God showed up.

He tapped me on my shoulder and asked if I would mind if He joined me this morning at the DMV.

Of course I said yes, but I couldn't help but ask Him why in the world He would want to hang out in such a yucky place.

His reply to me changed the entire atmosphere in the blink of an eye.

He wondered aloud to me exactly what I thought He meant when He told me recently that He wants me to "leave the sidelines and get in the game".   Did I not understand that everywhere I go, especially to places like the DMV, there are people He wants to touch, heal, and love?  Did I think my commission had hours like an office job, where I clock in and out?

Oh man, did I feel convicted.

As we talked, I began to see people differently.  I looked past my precepts and saw PEOPLE.  People just like me.  For just a moment, He showed me each person through His eyes.  The people I first saw as rude, sick, and weird,  looked beautiful to me all-of-a-sudden.  

I didn't expect it, or even ask for it, but I felt God's Holy Spirit fill the room...  

And that's when the miracle happened.

I looked around me and I saw smiles and laughter. The gray walls were more of a light blue.  The lines weren't quite as long as they seemed before.  I don't know if the people changed or the way I saw them changed...or both....but everything looked different.

Because I saw things differently, I behaved differently.

I was friendlier.  I was more engaging with those around me.  I acknowledged the people that worked there and thanked them helping me.  I made eye contact, said hello, and smiled at people...yes....even at the DMV.

The DMV became beautiful.

I looked out into the sea of people from all walks of life and I thanked God for the opportunity to hang out with Him there.  He was a proud Father showing off His children.  Every. single.  person. in that place was His special creation. He longed to touch them.  Hold them.  Comfort them.  Heal them.  LOVE them.  He showed me that as bad as I think it is at the DMV, some people leave the gray walls of this place to return to something much worse.  Everywhere they turn they encounter nothing but ugliness and pain.  No one looks at them.  No one sees them.  No one says hello.  They are passed over by the world.  Cast aside as worthless or trash.  That little girl running around in her diaper might get the only attention she is going to get all day from the people at the DMV.  

While I was waiting for my new drivers license to print, I started chatting with the lady sitting next to me. She said to me, "Has this not been a wonderful experience? I mean, it's incredible!  I've never had such an amazing experience at the DMV and I've made sure to tell everyone here just how much I appreciate what a great job they're doing."  Then the guy in front of me turned around and said the same thing.  A guy in the row beside us heard what we were saying and he agreed as well.  The people that worked there were smiling and dancing to the piped-in music from the radio.  "Thank yous" were heard every where I went.  People were happy and so was I!

Listen ya'll, when Jesus shows up, things change.

Could He have shown up with someone else yesterday? Sure! But He asked ME.

What if I would have ignored Him as I sometimes do?

It's easier to keep to ourselves as we go from place to place throughout our day.  It's easier to say that the DMV is just destined to be a miserable, dark place.  When God taps on our shoulder and asks if we mind if He joins us everywhere we go, we can say no-thank-you so that we don't have to see what He sees, or  risk opening our hearts and minds to the hurting world around us.   He doesn't make us touch people and love them.  He doesn't force us.

We need to understand that the job isn't for someone else.  If we don't do it, it won't get done.  Whether it's at work, school, the grocery store, church, walking down the street, at Wal*Mart, the dentist's office, the DMV, with our family, in our marriages, or in our friendships...if we don't bring Jesus there...who will?  Why count on other people to do the job you were given?

My experience yesterday at the DMV changed me.  It has inspired me to not only look for Jesus everywhere I go, but to ask Him to come along if He's not already there.

He's FUN!

HUGS,

DMV lover

Put Me In Coach: Part 2...



Me being adorable.

My Grammy loves to tell stories about when I was a little girl and I love listening to them.   She tells about how I used to go straight into her closet when I would come to her house, and come out wearing her high heeled shoes.  I would stumble out into the living room to show them off, even though I was barely old enough to walk.  I would request (okay...insist) that she let me wear her silk nightgown as a dress while I sang and danced to her Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra records.  I loved dressing up in her clothes, putting on her Lee Press-On nails (remember those!?), and pretend I was an actress in a movie.  But there is one story she tells that always makes my heart swell because it is such a wonderful example of how children see themselves before life has the chance to tarnish it.

Here's the story.

When I was around two years old, my Grammy's brother-in-law died of a heart attack.  The memorial service was held at a venue that had a small stage at the back of the room.  As people milled around, my Grammy suddenly noticed out of the corner of her eye something moving up the stairs of the stage.  She turned to find that it was me in a cute little white dress, climbing onto the stage.  My white dress shoes made clicking noises as I walked to the front of the stage.  A smile she hadn't made for days slowly spread across her face as she saw me begin to dance and spin.  She tells me that she could look at me and see that I was dancing to a song from somewhere inside me.  As I danced people started to turn and notice.  The more eyes that fell on me, the bigger my smile got and the more I would kick and twirl.

I knew people were watching me and I loved it!  Even though I was a tiny little thing, I knew that my dance was changing the atmosphere.  My parents smiled at me as people gathered around the stage and started clapping and laughing.  I may not have understood death or even life; but even at that age I knew all I needed to know.  My presence, my freedom, my beauty, my dance, my LIFE....changes things.

The cuteness.  It just won't stop.

As we grow older we start caring what other people think of our dance.  We worry about messing something up or being an inconvenience.  So we stop.  We lock up that free little soul somewhere deep in us where we can't hear the song anymore and we tell ourselves it better this way.  It's better to blend in. It's better to just let things be as they are and not rock the boat. 

I can't help but ROCK!

It's the shift from thinking like a child to thinking like an adult that makes it hard for us to know Jesus.  Little kids don't struggle so much with the idea of God and His being present in our lives.  They believe in things they can't see or feel.  I remember really and truly believing that the fort my brother and I built out of blankets and couch cushions really was a prison for little brothers that don't let their sister play with their GI Joes.  I remember not being able to understand why my mom was so horrible at playing Barbies with me.  Piles of pillows were mountains, not piles of pillows.  Barbie and Skipper had an obvious jealousy issue involving Ken's attention and his affinity for my G.E.M. doll.  Explaining everything that was happening to my mom was so exhausting.  Why couldn't she just see what I saw?

At some point in life we are all told in some way or another that miracles aren't real, stop playing, no more make-believe, no one is coming to our rescue, we are average or worse...we are junk, our imagination and visions are crap, dreaming is a waste of time,  we aren't beautiful, captiving, compelling, strong, desirable, fun, exciting, worthy, there are rules we have to follow to fit in, and so on and so on.  At first, when we're little,  we don't believe these lies, but as time goes on and we keep hearing them, we swallow them like a pill and allow the poison to infect us. 

In my own life, I've circled back. I've purposely and happily regressed back to that little Katie who knew she was necessary and beautiful.  I've got my dancing shoes back on, ya'll! It took me awhile to get here, but the journey has been well worth it.  It's not so hard to believe in Jesus now that He's taken all that poison and junk out of my life.  It's not so hard to see Him in all the places and people I couldn't see Him before.  The scales have been removed from my eyes.  The hardness is gone.  I know with all that I am that I am an irreplaceable part in what God is doing in the Earth.  Today and forever.  Did you catch that? FOREVER.  The things I do now, effect generations to come.  I am like, really, really important.  And so are you. 

Future preacher right here!!

That day while I danced on the stage and people clapped, smiled, and forgot about the sadness for a moment; they weren't doing it because of me. Sure I was cute and all, but even though they didn't realize it, they were actually captivated by God.  He is Beauty. He is Joy. He is Life.  He is Freedom.  There is no death in Him.  There is no pain and sadness in Him.  It was His presence that took their focus off of death and onto Joy! Whether I am 5 years old or 105 years old, anything and everything good and attractive about me is ALL because God's Holy Spirit lives inside of me.  He wants to use us to show Him to a hurting world.  When we pull back and stand on the sidelines we are robbing the world of our God-given gifts.

Until we stop caring what people think and starting caring about what God desires, we will not be satisfied.  We might eek by.  We might claw through each day and fall into an exhausted heap at the end of the day.  We might be able to convince ourselves life is too hard because it's Monday, or because our tire went flat, or because we don't have money to pay the bills, or whatever.  We might be kinda okay as long as we keep a constant stream of distractions coming at us so we don't hear His voice telling us to get to center stage and dance.  But we won't be living to our full potential.  We won't get to experience the true and irrevocable freedom, joy, grace, and love that comes from being in an intimate relationship with our Creator. 

Your dance changes things. 

So dance!

Go be...YOU!

Love,

ME!

I think you get the picture. (Pun most definitely intended.)

Put Me In Coach...

When I was a little girl, I believed that I had something really special.   More than that; I knew I was adored and precious.  I can almost remember believing that anything is possible, that magic was real, and that I was a really important part of everything going on around me.

And then life taught me something different.

Circumstances and hurt, scared people taught me to be satisfied with living a life on the sidelines happily cheering the winners on, while I took my rightful place with the rest of the spectators.

I've been a spectator all my life; whether it be in team sports, with boyfriends, with my family, with my friends, or with my job.  I never tried to be the star or the leader.   I always thought it was just me being humble, but now I realize it's all fear and distractions.  That little girl that knew she was special never stopped trying to work her way back into the spotlight she so adored, but I kept telling her to have a seat.  

But I wasn't born to sit on the sidelines.  I was born to SHINE!  I am necessary.  I am precious.  I have a goal and no one can stop me from achieving it....except me.

God has shown me that it's time to leave the sideline for good and step onto the playing field.  I have to stop letting fear stop me from reaching my goals.

If you are wondering whether or not you have a starring role in the story of your life, the answer is YES!     Jesus has a plan for you, and if you are willing to follow Him, He will show you how life was meant to be lived.  With Him there is no need to fear because you can't lose.  Things may not look like you thought they would or you may make some mistakes along the way, but Jesus isn't afraid of your failure. It's time for us to stop letting fearful people, religious heaviness, and all the many other distractions of life stop us from moving forward at God's prompting.

There are times where we need to rest and replenish, and then there are times we need to give everything we have.  Only in relationship with the God that lives inside you will you know whether it's time to rest or run.

No matter the season you are in, you have a purpose that only you can fulfill.  Believe like a child again. Believe in things you can't see.  If you have need, all you have to do is ask your Daddy.  He can't WAIT to give you what you need...even your wants and desires.  Little children understand.  We need to get back to the simple days when a cardboard box was a castle and crayons could talk.


Love,

Katie

PS - Just in case you are wondering, Tony and I are doing so great and life is just really flippin' fantastic! :)

Let Me See...

When I was a kid and would hurt myself, I always hated it when my mom found out.  I would try and cover it up so she wouldn't see, but she would always take my hands away and say, "Let me see".  

I always wanted to hide my wounds from her because I knew what was coming next.

More pain.

In order to get better, I would have to let her wash it out and then spray it with what I affectionately refer to as liquid fire or Solarcaine for those out there that remember such torture devices.  

The more times my mom had to say, "Katie, move your hands and let me see," the more sprays of Solarcaine it was going to take to properly disinfect my wound.  Every time I saw that spray can I would start bargaining with my mom.  "No.  Not that.  Please.  Mom.  Please, no.  There has to be another way."  "Katie do you want your cut to get infected and your leg to fall off (dramatic, yet effective)?"  "YES!!  I would prefer loss of limb over getting sprayed with your devil fire (I didn't actually say this, because I was too young to be quite so witty; but, this is my story and I'll write it how I want to thankyouverymuch).  "Fine then, when your leg falls off we'll have to use a whole can of Solarcaine in order to make you all better.   You're going to have to face it, Kate, so you might as well do it now while the cut is little."  

Words of wisdom from my mom.  I didn't quite care for them back them, but I get it now.

We all have wounds.  Some small, some big.  In order to heal them, we are going to have to uncover them and let the healing balm come.  

This can be painful.

But it's much less painful than a festering, growing wound that immobilizes us.   The bigger the wound gets the longer it takes to heal.

If you're hurting.  Whether it's a fresh wound or one you've had for a long time, there is no better time than now to uncover it and let Jesus heal it.  

Let Him see what you're hiding. 

Trust Him with your bumps and bruises.

I've only been married for two months, but within this short time I have realized that there were hurts that I was covering and didn't know they were there until someone got close enough to me to see them.  Some of these hurts are things I thought I already dealt with.  But some wounds go so deep that you have to heal slowly....one layer at a time.  I could have tried to hide these things, but I trust Jesus with my hurts now.  I don't fear His touch.  I understand how important it is for my marriage as well as my relationship with God to allow healing to come to me and not to cover up my wounds in shame or fear.  

At one time or another we have all been hurt and wounded.  It's God's will that we be healed, but it has to be our will as well or we will remain injured.  

Love,

Katie

I Can't Live...

One of the many reasons I love blogging is that you get to meet some of the best people in the whole world.  People that you would never have met had it not been for the interwebs.  Michael Perkins is one of those people.   I've been reading his blog for about 2 years now and what keeps me coming back again and again is his realness and honesty.  He loves Jesus with all that he is and you can see it in his writing; whether he writes paragraphs or just a few simple words.  He has been such an inspiration and support to Tony and me.  Even though we've never met in person, I feel like we have a true friend in Michael Perkins and his family.  If you've never read The Handwritten, I suggest you take a gander (Michael would appreciate that phrase because he's a Southern boy).   If for nothing else, I'm guest posting there today.  Check out my handwritten post over at Michael's place...

If you just can't get enough of Michael, follow him on Twitter.  

Love,

Katie

PS - I hope ya'll had a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving. :)

A Time to Mourn...

Yesterday, a 15-year-old young man from my hometown of Buckhannon, WV shot and killed himself as a result of bullying.

I don't know any other details.  But really, how many more details do I need to feel overwhelmed with sadness for him and his family and my community. 

It doesn't matter why he was bullied.  What matters is that it happened.

It all goes back to the "why".

The reason why kids bully other kids is the same reason why there are some kids that let what the bullies say define or overcome them.

They don't know who they are and they don't feel protected or defended.

And you know, it's really not their fault.  They're kids.  It's our job as parents, friends, family, and community to pour truth into them as early and as consistantly as possible.

The kids that say and do hurtful, horrible things do so because they don't know that they are protected, safe, loved, and precious.  The kids that are on the recieving end of another person's pain get so tired of it that they would rather end their life than face more hurtful words that cut to that part of them that is already saying they aren't worth anything.

It's not enough to make rules against bullying.

That won't stop anything.

It's a heart issue, not a rule issue.

Our kids need to learn the power in their words.  They need to learn the value of other people.  And above all else they need to have a deep, soul knowledge of their worth and identity in God.  They need to know in the deepest part of themselves that they are protected, safe, seen, cared for, thought of, unique, precious, worthy, and LOVED by a God big enough to be everything they need no matter what.  Any one that knows that about themselves wouldn't be inclined to bully someone else or be effected by the words and actions of a bully.

Our kids are hurting.  They lash out in order to feel some sense of control.  They don't feel seen at home.  They don't feel like anyone is going to protect them so they puff themselves up to look big and mean, but on the inside they are desperately insecure.  When they see that their words can control someones feelings or reaction, they get a false sense of power and strength.

The kids that are on the receiving end of someone else's pain have two reactions 1) they blow it off because they know who they are, or 2) they let it sink in because they are already feeling insecure and fearful (like most teenagers who are trying to figure out who they are).

It's not enough to deflect the bullies until our kids get out of school.  Bullies never go away.  They follow you through college, and into the job world.  They are everywhere for the rest of our lives, even if they don't take on the form of the bully at the bus stop. 

Looking back I don't remember much about all the gifts I got at Christmas.  But I do remember us all being together and singing songs and laughing.  No matter how cool it was to have a dad that was a karate teacher; I ended up resenting it because I was jealous for his time and attention.  I knew my mom worked hard and helped people in the community all the time; and I'm proud of her and have learned a lot from her, but I resented her job for taking her away.

My best memories are of time spent talking with my parents.  Working with them.  Planting gardens.  Reading books. Watching movies.  Riding bikes.  Sleeping in bed together and cuddling.  Learning from them.  Having them notice my art, my stories, my creations, and just me....for being me.  There was nothing better than sitting on my Daddy's lap as he rocked me in his rocking chair.   Or laying my head on my mom's lap while she played with my hair (I still do this any chance I get).  Even the times that I got punished meant a lot to me  (in hindsight..lol) because it showed me that they were paying attention to me and cared about me.

I don't know all the answers or even some of them.  This bullying issue is a symptom of a much larger problem that is going to take everyone's involvement to change.  It's not just about punishing your kids when they say something mean, it's about them understanding who they are and how Jesus loves EVERYONE the same no matter their sex, religion, color, job, age, sexual orientation, income, etc .  

If our kids are getting bullied we can't tell them to fight fire with fire, or become bullies themselves.  We need to love them so much that love spills out of them and onto those around them no matter how they are treated. 

Jesus was bullied, called names, beat up, and murdered for being who He is.  He was an outsider.  Misunderstood. Different.  But He won the war against evil in the end.  Not because He picked up a sword. He didn't attack.  He LOVED.  His love and sacrifice disarmed the devil.  Let's teach our kids to love extravagantly.  The only way to do that....is to walk it out in our own lives.

My heart burns for our young people.  They truly are our future (thank you Whitney Houston). Jesus loves them, protects them, defends them, and adores them and I want them to know it with all that they are. 

Help me do that.

Love,

The Future (FUTURE!!) mother of extravagantly loved children

Hope for the Best....

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

We've all heard that phrase.  Some of us even live by it.

But I submit to you a worthy replacement to said phrase:

Hope for the best, prepare for the best.

Now, before you lambast me for being too Polly Anna/Osteenish, let me say that I'm not going to go on some diatribe about the power of positive thinking or speak out against planning and preparing.  I, myself, have a nice little stock pile of shampoo and conditioner in case of nuclear meltdown or locust attack.  So go ahead and continue building your bunkers.  I'm more referring to our prayer life and the position of our hearts.

When I pray to God and hope that He answers me, but prepare for Him not to answer me, I'm not praying in faith.  If I pray that God bless me with a new job and then I go sit on the couch and play Tekken 3 (that was the last time I played video games, don't judge) then I'm not really preparing myself for that new jobby job.  But, if I were to pray for God to bless me with a new job and I went out and got a nice suit and started searching for jobs and filling out applications, then I'm preparing for Him to bring the blessing I know in my heart He already wants to bring. 

I don't want to go through life preparing for the worst, because then when the worst happens, I'll say to myself, "Yep, just like I thought would happen."  My preparation for let-downs gives me a negative mind set.  I'm not trying to tout positive thinking as a cure all, but I am saying that the position of your heart and your faith in a God that loves you more than you can ever know, does make a difference in how you view the world and what happens in it. 

I would rather be surprised when things don't work out, than to be prepared for it.  When I pray for God to heal one of my patient's with cancer, I would rather believe He answers my prayers than to think it probably won't work because I hear of people dying with cancer every day.  I don't let what I see or hear around me effect my faith.  I chose to believe that no matter what the circumstance looks like, there is always hope.  Some may think it's naive, but it's not.  My heart is connected to the Creator of the Universe.  I believe what He says to me.  I believe He is Who He says He is, and I believe He is powerful and strong.  When I talk to Him about my worries or troubles, I believe that He cares and is taking care of them for me.  When I pray for others I believe that He moves.  I don't ever want to hear of a tragedy or a seemingly hopeless situation and approach it in fear by saying, "Well, that's just what's happening in the world today." "Bad things happen to good people."  "I knew he wouldn't make it."

I chose to hope for the best and prepare for the best.  Not because I've done something good to deserve God's blessings, but because God commands our faith.

Love,

Katie Alicea

(I love my new name!!)

Kick the Tires...

"Babe, let me do it"

I think Tony must have said this at least 3 times while we changed a flat tire together.

I don't know if you all know this, but I'm stubborn.  Okay, and prideful.  I believe I've mentioned this before, but it bares repeating.

I get home about an hour or so before Tony does.  He told me he would help me change my tire when he got home.  But, that flat tire needed fixin' so decided that I would just go ahead and fix it myself.   I figured that when Tony got home he would be so dazzled by my sweet tire changing skills that he would let me watch all the Twilight movies while he rubbed my feet and told me how skinny I looked.

That's not what happened, though.

No matter how hard I tugged and strained, I couldn't get the lug-nuts off.

After trying for over 40 minutes (<----stubborn) I ended up waiting for Tony to get home and he was able to change the tire without even breaking a sweat.  While he was changing the tire I kept trying to help him.  I would try and take the tire off the hub, or lift the spare tire, but I was just getting in his way.

Tony was trying to help me, but I didn't know how to let him.

I spent so much time praying for a partner in life that would be there to take care of things like this, but now that I have Tony and he is doing things for me, it's not easy to let him.

When you've done things yourself for awhile a couple of things happen. 

1) You start to take pride in all of the things you are able to do on your own.  Not that that is a bad thing.  It just makes it hard when someone else can do it for you better than you can do it for yourself. 

2) You start to feel like you are inconveniencing people when they help you, because you know that you could do it yourself if you had to. (Although, those lug nuts where pretty much glued on if you ask me).

3) You start to feel like you are weak if you let someone know you need help.


But I've realized just how important it is to learn to receive from others. 

I need help.

I need people.

I struggle sometimes.

When I am struggling with something, I don't have to exhaust myself trying to deal with it on my own.  It was so easy for Tony to change that tire and I almost gave myself an aneurysm trying to do it.  The same goes for times in my life where I feel overwhelmed, sad, depressed, exhausted, stretched too thin, etc. 

Even Jesus asked for help.

Jesus asked the disciples to pray with Him in the garden of Gethsemane.  He asked the disciples to feed the 5,000 hungry people.  He asked the woman at the well to give him some water. 

Even though He was fully capable of doing everything Himself (and I'm sure do a much better job at it than them), He still asked others to help Him.  It was never just for His benefit, but for the benefit of the person He was asking.

When we ask for help, we give people the opportunity to give and grow.  If I did everything and never let Tony do anything, then he would feel like I didn't need him or trust him.  The more I tell him my struggles and trust him with that information, the more real our relationship is and the closer we grow.

I'm not suggesting that anyone be less than they are so that someone else can feel good about themselves.  Heck no!  I will never be less than who I am.  Be you, baby!  I'm just saying that we all need to realize our needs and our limits and kick pride in the teeth instead of trying to "be strong" and not "bother" anyone.

The tire story does have a happy ending.  I may not have convinced him that a Twilight marathon would be fun, but he did look mighty fine getting some grease on his hands.  And as a bonus he did tell me how beautiful I am and then went and got me my favorite meal from La Granja. 

Kick the tires and light the fires!!

Love,

Katie

Settling Down...

I've never been a big fan of the term  "settling down".  I'm even going to put it in quotes so the phrase doesn't touch the rest of the words in the sentence. 

I know it seems pretty benign.  Maybe you've even said it yourself. 

"I can't wait to settle down one day and get a house, a car, one of those little dogs that fit in your purse, and maybe even a Wii fit!"

or

"When is he just going to settle down and realize that I am the future mother of his adorable children and the future back seat driver of his super sweet F150 extended cab!?"

Whatever! Like you've never said that before!

I think when most people talk about settling down they just mean that they are going to stop dancing on bars, waking up next to strangers, and eating at Taco Bell every day for lunch.  They are ready to hang up their Studio-54ian  lifestyle and get married, have the 2.5 kids (I feel certain that .5 kid is going to be in years of therapy), care about drapes, tile versus laminate flooring, the best kindergartens and other such things.  And you know what, there's nothing wrong with that at all.  I'm a married lady now myself.  I quit eating Taco Bell for lunch every day a while ago*.  I thought I didn't care about melon ballers, 300 count sheets, and non-stick cookware until I started our Bed, Bath, and Beyond registry extravaganza.  God Bless Tony.  He even let me register for a shake weight just because the thought of getting one from my grandma made me almost pee my pants in the Beyond section (said shake weight has since been removed from the registry due to the fear of actually having to use it if someone bought it for us. #lazy).  My point is this, I'm all about people giving up any lifestyle that keeps them from the promises and purposes that God has for them.   Put down the beer bong and step away slowly.  That being said, I don't ever want the waves of routine to flow over me and ebb away carrying my spontaneity, sense of adventure, and my untamed Spirit. 

I LOVE being married to Tony.  The reasons are too  many to list.  Marriage is so amazing.  Tony is so amazing. Contrary to what most people think, marriage doesn't equal "settling down". Marriage is something you need to be ready for, and isn't to be taken lightly, but it doesn't mean that you have to get a place in your life where you are ready for all the fun to end. Do people ever feel ready for that?  I think that's what a lot of people think though.  And because that's what they think they are supposed to do...that's how they act once they get married.  They put on their big girl britches and try to play the part of married adult.  Inevidablely they end up getting tired of acting their assigned role.  They have all of this pent up angst because they still want to party hardy, but they think they're supposed to be "grown ups" (another horrible phrase that shant touch my other beautiful words) so they suppress it until one day when they are about to turn 45 they explode and build a man-cave in their basement with a full bar and a secure lock on the door (it's the adult version of the "boys only" sign on treehouses).  They blame marriage.  They make fun of it.  They degrade it.  Sometimes they give up on it all-together.  But it's not marriage's fault you're so unsatisfied.

It's not marriage...it's you.

Tony and I will  never be satisfied with living a "settled" life.  The Jesus we follow is good, but He's not safe.  In order to follow Him we're going to have to fight to stay on an untamed path that has twists, turns, and dropoffs.  Maybe even giant rats like in Princess Bride.  The life we've both chosen to lead by laying everything down for our God means that we will have joy, peace, and love, but we were never promised that we would ever be "settled".  We were actually promised some trouble.  It may seem that a life lived dancing on bars and waking up next to someone you barely know is adventurous because you're not "tied down" (I don't want that phrase touching anything either).  But you are.  You are tied to yourself. 

It's through intimate, meaningful relationships with others that we become untied from ourselves and open our heart to others.  It's only through intimacy with God and with others that we can escape ourselves. Relationships offer the opportunity to live the greatest commandment...to love others as we love ourselves. 

The big issue here is that many of us don't love ourselves.  Back in my dancing on bars days I didn't love myself.  I didn't know who I was or Whose I was.  I was in a spiral of selfish living where everyone came second, third, or 54th to me so I know all about thinking that marriage means the end of all things fun and happy.  This may not sound like it makes sense but in order to love yourself, you have to let yourself go.  In other words, get over yourself.  Give yourself up for something greater than you.  It is when you find yourself on the path of God that you are finally able to love yourself and then love others.

Marriage isn't about sucking it up, never having fun again, joining the rest of the unhappily ever after brigade, and hoping for an awesome car and sweet career as your parting gift.  You don't have to get "tied down" or "settle down".  (There's lots of phrases associated with marriage with the word "down" in them.  Me no likey.)  Tony and I are making it our life's purpose to change people's mind about marriage.  We want our relationship to show the world that when you both chase after Jesus hand-in-hand, it is possible to have a joy-filled, adventurous, passionate, peaceful, FUN, and LOVING marriage.  We're going to have some battles to fight to be sure, but they won't be with each other...they will be with the powers and principalities that try and keep the message and love of God from His people.  Marriage isn't about obligations to societies rules and trying to keep up with the Joneses.  I don't like to do what I'm told any dag-on way; sorry society. And who are these Jones folks and why are we chasing after them instead of Jesus? <--- Jesus Juke!

In conclusion I want to say that I don't think there is anything at all wrong with routine.  Routines can be very good and necessary.  It's good to feel settled in your soul.  It's what we've done with the phrase "settle down" that I have beef with.  Feeling settled is good.  All I am saying is that we need to stay awake in life and not let our routines dictate us and strip all the feeling away from our every day lives.  When I roll over in the morning and I see Tony sleeping beside me, my heart leaps and I have to reach out and touch him just so that I can see his eyes slowly slide open and a faint smile spread across his perfect lips.  I don't want that feeling to ever be numbed by the routine of it all.  I'll be waking up next to him as long as we both shall live, but each day offers a new adventure.  The only thing that makes each day like the next is my mindset.  Tony makes my soul feel settled and at peace no matter what is going on in my life.  That's the only kind of settled I want to be.

Love,

Katie Alicea

*2 weeks after I started dating Tony.  It's a hard habit to break.  I miss you Nachos Bell Grande.  I like to think you miss me too.

A Rose By Any Other Name...

Tony and I are getting married in 3 days!!!

Are you jumping up and down with excitement too!!??

I've waited a long time for Tony, and I can't tell you how excited I am to be his wife.  As I am preparing for my walk down the aisle, I have read back through our emails and blogs and I just can't believe what God has done.  He has paved the way for us the whole way.  He has opened doors and closed doors just so we could be where we are right now.  Our journey is only just beginning, and I can't wait to share with you all along the way. 

Today I am guest posting over on Tony's blog.  I am honored to post for him because I am his biggest fan.  He's kindof a big deal.  So click right here and see what I have to say about changing my last name.

Love,

Katie

Not Alone: Stories of Living with Depression...

I never know when it’s going to happen.  Sometimes it will hit me when I am in the middle of laughing at a joke.  All-of-a-sudden, I’ll feel a million miles away even though I am, physically, still in the same location.  I feel totally alone even though I am surrounded by people.   I look at the people I know and I feel like I don’t know them anymore.   The feeling of panic starts like a wave.  It grows in momentum until it finally comes crashing down on me.  I break out into a cold sweat.  My fight or flight response has been activated for no real reason.  I want to run, but I don’t want to freak everyone out or look like a crazy person.  It takes every drop of energy I have to not run.  The world seems to close in on me; wrap itself around me and squeeze so hard I can barely breathe.  I wish I could just unzip my skin and run out of the body that has me trapped inside.  The inability to calm myself down or talk myself out of this makes me feel like I am on a runaway train.  My stomach starts cramping and I get hot.  More sweating...


If you would like to read more of my story then I invite you to hop on over here to grab yourself a copy of Not Alone: Stories of Living with Depression.   My friend, Alise Write, has published this amazing book that compiles the stories of people that are dealing with depression.  Even if you've never struggled with depression or anxiety in your own life, this book can give you a better understanding of the people in your life that do or did.  No one story is the same.  There isn't a simple answer to the question, "How do I make it better?".  But there is comfort found in the fact that you or the one's you love are not alone in how they feel.  This book breaks the chains of depression by bringing the truth of the struggle into the light.  


And if that doesn't make you want to buy a copy....buy one because my name's in it.  And that's super awesome.


Love,


Katie 

He is worth it...

Today's post is part of a community response to Tamara's "What's a Girl Worth" blog post.  The response has been more than amazing, so please go and check out the other blog posts.  As I am getting ready to get married, I have once again come face-to-face with my past hurts.  The things I thought were dead and buried were really just in a coma.  I've had to take these hurts back to Jesus and face things again, forgive again, and heal again.  Tony has been so amazing throughout all this.  I know I say that all the time.  But that's because it's true.  I haven't wanted to share much details about my past via my blog, not out of shame or because I can't talk about it, but for two reasons: 1) I don't like to victimize myself, 2) I have completely forgiven the people involved and want nothing more than blessings, grace, and love in their lives.  

But, sometimes in order to bring healing we have to let the darkness out into the light.  

Today I am going to share some of past with you.  I pray that this bring healing to myself and to anyone that reads it.  

I was a pretty naive kid much of my life.  I didn't learn about the birds and the bees until my fifth grade sex ed class.  My mom and dad (forced by my mom)  talked with me when I got home from school to make sure I didn't have any questions.  Not surprisingly I had lots of questions.  I guess passing tampons and condoms around the classroom and showing a B level music video left a little too much to the imagination.  When I found out the mechanics of it all I promised my mom and dad that I would never EVER do that.  I cried thinking about it.  I even hand wrote a contract with drawing paper and pen that stated my aforementioned intentions of never engaging in such a seemingly violating act.  Why on Earth a woman would ever put something inside her body, made no sense to me.  I made my mom and my dad (whilst blushing, yet, I'm sure, relieved) sign my no-sex for life contract.  

Oh, how things change.

I was never the cool kid growing up and by the time 7th grade rolled around I had gotten tired of not being noticed.  I wanted guys to like me.  While all my girlfriends were playing 7 minutes in Heaven and Spin the Bottle, I was at home with my parents reading R.L. Stine books, watching Caroline's Comedy Hour on A&E,  and putting wax on my braces.  

Being a nerd already, I was really great at learning and observing.  I observed that guys liked girls that were cheerleaders, or wore shirts that showed their tummies (hello 1995!), or had long hair, and more importantly....didn't have big glasses (stuck behind a book), baggy clothes, and Hermoine-like hair.

After my recon mission I finally realized what I needed to do.  I told my mom that I wanted to go shopping for all new clothes.  I wanted to get contacts.  I wanted to wear makeup.  I wanted to try out for cheerleading.  I wanted to get my hair straightened and highlighted.  I wanted to be someone that would turn heads.

I had taken note of all the things that guys seemed to like and I became that girl.  The nerdy Katie with a heart for saving the world, reading, writing, drawing, making people laugh, and playing in the dirt faded into oblivion, while the newer, blonder Katie took over.  

Boy, did my plan work.  I made the cheerleading squad.  I got into the clique of cool girls.  Reapplied my red lipstick in the hall after every class.  I even got over my fear of sticking my finger in my eye so I could wear contacts.  I had long since stopped eating so that I could be skinny. And, I had a boyfriend on the football team.  

One that had roaming hands and a foul mouth.

All the innocence I had slowly started to fade away.  In a short time, I had gone from innocent nerd to becoming the cheerleader that let her football player boyfriend crawl under the bus seats and do things to her in the dark.

I was 14.

My boyfriend after that was a super great guy.  He actually restored a little of my dignity.   He was the first person to bring me to church and youth group.  Too bad I was so concerned about being noticed by him that I didn't spend a second listening about the Man that was already pursuing me.  

Then he and I made a bad decision.  I gave myself away to him at the age of 15.  Everyone in the whole school knew about it by Monday morning.  I got looks from the older guys.  Those looks that asked "Can I be next?" The girls would smile at me and then turn and whisper.  Some of the braver ones asked me what it was like.  They were all doing the same thing according to rumors.  However, I felt horrible about myself.  Eventually it ruined our relationship and before I knew it the guy I thought I would marry one day was gone and replaced by someone else.

Things started to look up when, my freshman year, at the age of 16 a guy that had just graduated and was super popular started to call me.  I was shy at first.  He asked me on a date.  I had never been on a date before.  That date to the movies ended with us parked at the City Park in the darkness.  Expectation hanging in the air thick like molasses.  "Come on.  Why so shy?"  I gave in to the pressure.  Our next "date" was in the basement of a friend's house where there was supposed to be a party.  I gave myself away again that night on the cold, wet basement floor thinking that I would walk into the light of day with a boyfriend.  A beautiful, popular one.

Instead of a boyfriend, I got rejection.  I didn't hear from him for weeks.  I called. I pursued.  I cried.  I waited.  Finally, a call back.  A conversation that ended with "Oh, did you think we were dating?  No.  We were just having some fun, ya know."  

That day turned a corner for me.  I had never drank before. I had never gone to parties before.  Sure, I had given away my body, but I took solace in the fact that at least I wasn't one of those drunk ridiculous girls.  

Until I saw that guys paid attention to the drunk ridiculous girls.

So I started going to parties.

That's where I met him.  The guy that I would date off and on for the next ten years of my life.  The guy that ripped what little bit of innocence and hope their was left in me and drug me with him into the darkness.

I don't really want to go into detail here, but suffice it to say these were years filled with pain.

I wish he was the only guy that ripped me apart.  There were others.

Guys that were supposed to be my friends.  Guys that took my innocence.  Guys that ripped my clothes from my body.  Guys from church that misrepresented Jesus to me.  Guys that said lovely things to me and encouraged me to like them only to have them introduce me to their girlfriends.  Guys that weren't right for me, but for their own selfish reasons said and did anything they could to obtain and keep me.  Guys that reinforced the lie that I am only worth what's between my legs and in my bra.  Guys that touched wasn't theirs.   Guys that looked at me like a piece of meat and made me feel ashamed.  Guys that didn't care who I was, and just wanted me to fit into their mold.  Guys that demanded I shrink back.  Guys that didn't protect me.  Guys that didn't cherish me.  Guys that didn't respect me.

I forgive them all.  I take back what they stole.  I give back whatever darkness they gave me.

You see, Jesus is my protector.

He is that Daddy at the front door with a shot gun that says, "You aren't going to TOUCH my daughter."  My Daddy gets really upset when I'm hurt.  He and I have done lots and lots of hard work on my precious heart and He defends it to the death.  

Over the last 4 years, Jesus has walked with me back through the hurt.  He showed me where He was and how He felt as I was being screamed at and called horrible names.  For so many years I didn't believe in God because I felt like if He were real then I wouldn't laying on this bed in my room wanting once again to die just to get away from the pain.  The God I knew was some far off man with a beard floating somewhere above the clouds....far away from me and my mess.  Jesus was some guy that smiled at me all Mona-Lisa-like from stained glass windows.  The Holy Spirit was just one of those church words that people said all the time to sound holy.  

When I asked Him where the hell He was while I was dying inside.....He showed me.  I didn't believe Him at first, but He showed me.  I may not understand why some of it had to happen.  But, I do understand that God Himself led me out of the wilderness.  

Now I know my way, and can lead other people through.

What am I worth?  

I am worth a battle.  Jesus fought for and continues to fight for my heart.   He raised His sword of Truth against all the lies I've believed.  He's not like the little boys on the play ground that eventually get tired of chasing me.   He never gets tired of rescuing me. 

I am priceless.  My Man has a place for me...in the kingdom of Earth as well as in Heaven.  My purpose for being born is one that no one else can provide.  My life matters.  All my scars are beautiful battle wounds to a God that has redeemed and restored me.

I am worth the blood, tears, sweat, pain, and LIFE of the God who died so that I wouldn't have to live my life in the darkness. 

And now I give up my whole life for Him.  For my Jesus.  For the man that saved my life.  For the man that looks at me like I am pure and white as snow.  I almost wish there was such a thing as reincarnation so that I could give my life to Him again and again.  

Because....HE is worth it.  

Love,

Katie

  

My man...

Let me tell you about my man...

I want to tell you about the man I've fallen totally, completely, head over heels in love with.  I want to tell you about him because I want you to understand why I am willing to move to Florida for him.  I want you to know what makes him different than any other man I've ever met.  

In the big scheme of things, I haven't know him very long.  When I first met him I wasn't sure what to think.  I've been through a lot in my life and I didn't want to trust him.  So many people said great things about him and when I read his words I wanted to believe he was who he seemed to be.  But no matter how much I wanted to believe all the wonderful things, it all seemed too good to be true.  I've had people...men especially...say lots of great things, be nice to me, say they'll never leave me or hurt me...and then they do.  Why should I trust him?  What if he let me down too?  What then!?  What if he wasn't for real and I just banked everything on him?

I was cautious at first, to be sure.  I didn't want to tell anyone I was talking to him because I didn't want them to think I was crazy.  I took my time and got to know him.   It wasn't until I was sure how I felt about him that I could tell people about our relationship. 

Each time he would get close to me, I would push him away because I was afraid.  

But he didn't give up on me.

He pursued me.

He would tell me how amazing I am, how beautiful I am, and how happy he is to just get to spend time with me.  He let me take my time and made sure I didn't feel that there were any expectations on me.  

When he told me he loved me, I couldn't understand how he could.  He is so good, and I....well, I've made lots of mistakes.  When he would say he loved me, I knew I loved him too, but I didn't really understand how I could since I really didn't know him that well yet.

He's just so easy to love.

Even though it's only been a short time, our relationship has grown so fast.  He is my best friend.  I can tell him anything and he still loves me and accepts me.  I can be mad at him, or grumpy, or tell him I don't like his decision...and he still loves me.  He has stood by me and held me up while I faced some really hard things.  For a while I kept thinking that he was going to leave or go away because it (or more accurately I) was just too much.  But time and again he has proven himself stronger than I ever thought he could be.  I know this might sound crazy, but I think he loves me even more when I tell him about my brokenness and my mistakes.  

My man is one of a kind.

I share myself and he shares himself.  He tells me his dreams.  I tell him mine.  He tells me about the people that he loves and how he wants to bring healing, love, grace, mercy, justice, and compassion to a hurting world.  The more he tells me about his heart, the more I fall desperately in love with him.  The more he shows me how much I melt his heart, the more I feel comfortable crawling into his arms and finding rest, peace, and a safe place.  The way he looks at me and thinks about me...it makes me blush.  Sometimes I feel unworthy of all his love, but most of the time I see the Katie that he sees and I understand why he's so....into me. :)

He makes me feel beautiful, cherished, honored, and respected.  He shows me that I am an irreplaceable partner in what he dreams of doing.

The closer I get to my man, the more "me" I feel.   I see myself the way he sees me.  The more I trust my man and let him love me, the more I am able to open my scarred heart and let love flow out to those around me.  

He gives me confidence.

My man and I make a perfect couple.  Together we will change the whole world.  Together we are unstoppable.   

I can barely remember what it felt like to live life without him, even though I haven't known him long.  It may make me vulnerable to put so much trust in someone that I would leave my plans behind just to follow him to Florida.  But if you know him, you understand why I would follow him wherever he goes.  

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.  Each day with him is full of adventure and surprises.  Some days I don't appreciate him.  Some days I ignore him.  But he is patient with me.  He waits.

He just....loves me.

Are you jealous yet?  

Don't be.

My man is available to you too.

His name is Jesus.

Did you think I was talking about Tony?

Don't get me wrong.  Tony is so freakin' awesome that I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am for him. But it's because of my man Jesus that I am able to love Tony and that Tony is able to love me.  Tony loves me in many of the same ways that I described above, but that is only because he loved Jesus first.  

I've known Jesus for only about 5 of the 30 years I've been alive, but Jesus has always known me.  

Always.

Like before time began he knew I was going to almost get caught stealing eyeshadow from Dollar General when I was 15.

He is still so proud of me even when I'm not proud of myself.

He has stood by me, held me, and protected me even when I was living a life far from him....denying him...mocking him and his believers.   When I first met Jesus and heard about him I was an atheist that wanted nothing to do with God.  But...there was just something about this man...Jesus.  The more tough questions I asked, the more God was faithful to reveal Himself to me.  He's not afraid of our questions, friends.  He's not afraid of our sin. He doesn't look at us and say, "Whoa there....that's just too far!  You're disqualified until you get it right."  His love is so full of grace and mercy that many of us run from it simply because the truth of it is so overwhelming.  We would rather be cynical than venture towards that painful, yet beautiful light.  

If you've never met Jesus...let me tell you something. He's not who you think He is.  

You judge Him based on His imperfect church.  You say that you don't want anything to do with him because your neighbor goes to church and yet lets his dog crap on your lawn every day and leaves it there for you to step in.  You ignore his pursuit of you because some people that call themselves Christians told you that you shouldn't cuss, or drink, or wear certain clothes and that pissed you off.   You shut Him down because His followers offend you.

But let me tell you about my man...

He is worth a look.  He is worth a few seconds out of your life to say "Hey Jesus...I don't know if you're real, but I've heard that you're kinda awesome. If that's true, I want to find out.  Let's meet up."  I promise you...if you seek the truth about Him...you will find it.  You can read about Him and research Him, but He'll finally reveal Himself to you in the one place where no one else can go but Him...your heart.  

I love my man.  And my man loves me.  Wherever He is...that's where I'll be.  

Love,

His woman