Monday, February 28, 2011

A Dog's Life...

Welcome to The Dailies very first interview!  Today, I will be interviewing my dog, Bailey. 

Me: Hi, Bailey!  Thank you so much for letting me interview you today.  You're such a good girl (rubbing belly)! 
I'm going to start with an easy question.  Why do you wag your tail?

Bailey: Believe me, the pleasure is all mine.  I'm a big fan of The Dailies.  Super big.  Thank you for letting me sit on the furniture so we can talk.  To answer your first question, I wag my tail because I am excited or happy. Pretty simple.

Me:  That makes sense.  I wish humans were that easy to read.
I've noticed something that I wanted to talk with you about.  I notice that when we leave the house, you get really anxious.  Why is that?

Bailey:  Well, I get anxious because it's my job to protect you guys and when you leave the house, I'm completely out of control.  It makes me worry a lot. 

Me:  What do you do while we're out?  What do you think about?

Bailey: Well, I pretty much think that you're never coming back and that no one will feed me or pat my tummy or walk me ever again.   I don't really do much.  The stressful thinking takes up a lot of my time.  Because I'm so nervous I don't really eat if there's no one around.  Sometimes I watch out the window or I fall asleep waiting for someone to get home.  If I hear a car that sounds like yours or I hear a door slam I always look out the window to see if it's my family.

Me: But for the last 8 years that you've been alive, someone has always come home and fed you, walked you, and pet your tummy.  How many times do we have to show you that you aren't going to be left alone?  Why don't you understand that yet?

Bailey:  Yeah, I guess that's true, but since we don't really speak the same language it's really hard for you to reassure me in a way that I understand.  You know what you're doing, but I don't.  Because I'm just a dog, my understanding is limited.  Yours is not.

Me:  This morning it was thundering and you got really scared.  You have a lot of things that you are afraid of, don't you?  Why do you get so scared of things that can't really hurt you?

Bailey:  I noticed that you all don't run into the closet with me when it's storming or there are fireworks going off.  My question to you is: What the hell is wrong with you?  Why don't you get in the closet with me?  I keep trying to get you all in there so that I can protect you, but all you do is laugh at me and go back to your lives like nothing is wrong.  The real question here is...why are you guys so dumb?

Bailey, trying to tell my dad that it's time to leave.

Me:  The reason we don't crawl in the closet with you is because we know that we are safe.  Thunder can't hurt you.  And by the way, we don't need you to protect us....we are the ones that are protecting you!

Bailey:  I don't know how to say this in a nice way, so I'll just say it.  It's a little disconcerting that you all are supposed to be the ones protecting me when you people are too dumb to protect yourself from thunder and fireworks. You actually go outside to watch fire in the sky.  That's just super super dumb.  And let me also add that multiple times throughout the day I have to remind you that I need to be fed, walked, and let out to do my business.  If I wasn't here to keep you all in line, this whole house would be a complete disaster.

Me:  I guess that's why you bark every time someone walks by our house; because you think they are trying to get near your territory.  You probably feel like if you don't sound intimidating and scary, then people will hurt you or your family.  I know you don't understand this, but we are always thinking about you, worrying about you, loving you, and doing all we can to protect you.  You don't have to worry.  You don't have to bark and try to sound scary. 

Bailey:  Man, this is getting a little too deep for me.  I'm a dog.  You're a human.  You understand things better than I do. 

Me:  That's kinda what I have been trying to say.  I guess there's really no way to resolve this issue.  There's really no way that you can possibly understand my ways and what I am doing when I'm not at home.  I just wish there was a way that you could trust that you are taken care of and that you don't have to worry. 

Bailey:  Yeah, I guess it is pretty hard for me to understand your ways.  I probably won't be able to change that much.  I mean, I am a dog.  But I do promise one thing.  Any time you walk through the door, I am going to be SO happy.  I am going to be wagging my tail and jumping up at you because I miss you so much.  You could be gone 5 hours or 2 minutes and I'll still be just as happy to have you around.  When you're around, I feel safe, secure, relaxed and happy.  But, if I feel like there is an enemy nearby, you better believe that all the hair is going to be standing up on my back and I'm going to bark until I feel like they got the message.  Even though I know that you are my master and that you are the one that provides for me, I am going to do my part to make sure to protect what I love.  I bark because I love.

Me:  Awww, Bailey!!! That is SO sweet!  I love you too!  I appreciate your excitement to see me, and I appreciate your protecting what you love.  If I had a tail, it would be wagging right now. 

Bailey:  I'll wag enough for the both of us, believe me.  And since we're talking about deep stuff here, I just wanted to say something I've been meaning to say for a long time.  I'm really really sorry about those J. Crew heels that I ate of yours when you first got me.  I am also sorry about peeing on your favorite jeans right before you were leaving the house a few years ago.  I'm just going to keep this short and just make a blanket apology for all of the things I ruined when I was a puppy. 

Me:  Oh, Bailey.  That stuff has long been forgiven.  I don't love any of those things more than I love you.  I did have to punish you at the time because you needed to learn not to be destructive.  But none of that stuff is remembered. 

Bailey:  Ok good!  Since you're being so forgiving....there is a carpet situation I've been meaning to bring up.   Hey, even old dogs make mistakes sometimes!

Me:  Thank you for letting me know about the carpet.  I forgive you.  Now go....and pee on it no more.

Bailey:  Did you just use some variation of the Samaritan woman Bible verse on me?

Me:  Um....yes.  Yes, I did.  How did you know that?

Bailey:  I listen when you read your Bible out loud.

Me: That does explain it.  Well, Bailey, I have one last question for you.  If you could have anything you wanted right this second, what would it be?

Bailey:  A steak, a burger, a hot dog, any kind of cheese, go ahead and throw in some brussel sprouts...they're nice a crunchy, brownies, french fries, no more baths, no more leashes, no more collars.  That's it for now.  I'm sure I'll think of more.

Me:  Well, I sure am glad that you don't have the ability to get all of that stuff for yourself or else you would eat yourself sick.  Didn't you know that chocolate is bad for dogs?  Brownies could kill you!  And by the way, if you were let off of your leash, you would most likely run into traffic.  And that collar is helpful because, when you're lost it tells people who you belong to so that we can get you back.

Bailey:  You run out in front of a few cars and all-of-a-sudden you are incompetent.  Jeesh!  But, I know what you mean.  When I have the collar and leash on, I feel more comfortable and protected.  I tend to get freaked out and lost when I am out completely on my own with no one guiding me.  The Coach collar is a little much though. I mean, seriously.  I roll around in dead things.  Can we not go with something a little more rugged?

Me: The Coach collar was my mom's idea, not mine.  I'll see what I can do about getting you into something that is more fitting for

Bailey: Thank you!! That would be great.  I really appreciate it.  And thanks for all the extra treats you give me for no reason.  That always puts a little extra wag in my tail.

Me: It's my pleasure.  Seeing your tail wag is the best thing in the world!  Well, thank you for hopping up on the couch and talking with me this evening.  I'll let you get back to watching reruns of Empty Nest.  I know how much you love Dreyfus.

Bailey:  Thank you for caring about what I have to say.  You're the prettiest, nicest, most bestest owner a dog could have.

Me:  Thank you, Bailey!! You didn't have to say that! (wink)  I hope to have you back to The Dailies soon.

Bailey: Any time.  Now when are we going to talk about that treat situation you mentioned before the interview??

Well, folks.  Thank you for reading my one-on-one with my dog Bailey.  She's a really special little doggie.


The Bailey Whisperer

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