Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Behind Door #3....

I know that there are a lot of folks that are impatiently awaiting an update on my life.  The reason I haven't given one is because honestly, I don't want to and have no desire to do so.  More than that...I just don't feel like I can.  I've been sideswiped by God's awesome power and love and I didn't see any of this awesomeness coming.  The things going on are so personal and amazing that I wouldn't even do them justice to try to explain them right now.  I know this isn't the update you were looking for.  But just know this: Jesus is showing me now more than ever before how to trust in Him for my daily bread and how He will give me the desires of my heart that I didn't even know were there or wouldn't dare to allow myself to hope for if only I hold on and keep believing, trusting, and clinging to Him.

I see the concerned looks on the faces of some people around me.  I get the questions, "So, how's the job hunt?" or "Did you get into school yet?".  The questions don't bother me at all.  Some people just want some gossip to spread about Randy and Sharon's daughter that's living at home right now.  But in general, people just want to be supportive.  It's my answers to these questions that seems to be so off putting to some and inspiring to others.  When asked, "What's your plan?  What do you want to do?  What's next?"  My answer is always, "My plan is to do God's will no matter what it looks like.  I want to do God's will no matter what it looks like.  My next step is to do God's will no matter what it looks like." 

Is my answer a cop out so I don't have to make decisions?  No, it's not.  Does it sound like it is.  Yeah, I suppose it does.  But anyone that follows the will of God knows that each moment we are presented with choices.  Holy Spirit guides us, but ultimately, we make those choices based on our own will and conviction.  It's far from easy.  It's far from a life with your feet kicked up drinking Starbucks and waiting for the Good Lord to land your dream in your lap.  Following the will of God is a battle.  A real one.  A hard one.  A worthy one.  One with lots of choices and lots of work.

When I decided to quit my job and move to WV, I had a very limited view of "why".  I just knew I had to.  With the knowledge that I had at the time I made some assumptions about why God might ask me to do something so drastic and unsafe.  I wasn't really wrong regarding my assumptions, but I wasn't really right, either.  Each day I understand more and more, but there are still things that are a mystery to me.  It's both exciting and scary. 

God opened the door and all I had to do was be willing to walk through it, trusting that it would be worth it.  We tend to stand on the threshold of these open doors as if our next step is going to plummet us off a cliff Wyle E. Coyote style.  We pray for God to open doors and then when He answers our prayer, we're like, "Um...are you SURE?  This isn't exactly what I had in mind.  If You're taking requests, perhaps something a little safer next time!?"  

Each day I am overwhelmed with the glory and power of Jesus.  Seriously, overwhelmed.  Others may worry about my next step, but I don't.  When some people hear me say that I am living each day one at a time, their eyes tend to gloss over and they smile that "Poor Dear" smile and say, "Don't you worry, sweety, God is going to bless you soon!"  Here's the deal though, I'm not waiting for God to finally bring about my dream, because the dream is HERE....TODAY!  Right NOW!   I'm literally "livin' the dream"!!  That may be hard to understand (it has been for me) given the fact that I don't have any money coming in, no career, no job title, no house to call my own, and no drive to chase after any of it anyway.  I know for most people that would be more like a nightmare than a dream.  We find our identity in our job title.  We find our pride in how far we've climbed the corporate ladder or how much money and "stuff" we have.  Our reason for living is to please others and gain their approval.  But what happens when all of that is taken away and all you live on is the proverbial "manna from heaven"; God's daily provision that you can't store away for another time.   As I am filled, I am to fill others.  Each day.  Every day.

I wish I could share more of what is going on in my life with you, but some of it isn't my story to share.  He has brought people into my life that not only inspire, uplift, and encourage me, but they stand in the gap with me, pray with me, fight with me and for me.  I thank God every day for them.  Watching God move in my life and the lives of those around me makes my heart melt. His love and words cover me like honey.  They are sweet, rich, and impossible to remove.

Sometimes God opens a door for me, and sometimes I get to choose which door I want to open.  He trusts me enough to give me choices.  "Let's see what's behind door number three!!"  Sometimes what is behind door number 3 is the opportunity to face my fear, anxiety, and discomfort head on.  That doesn't feel like a gift at the time (oh boy, can it suck!), but each time I don't let it stop me the more strength and confidence I get. 

Some days are easier than others.  Most days are a little draining.  I'm fighting some big battles right now.  It's been hard in the past for me to reach out and ask for support and prayers, but God has been doing an excellent job of getting rid of my pride.   Pride is nasty.  I'm happy to see it go.

I need your prayers.  I need your support.  I need to know I'm not alone. 

One of these days, I'm going to be able to blow you away with what God is doing right now.  Blow your socks right off!  The testimony that will come from these days will be well worth the battle.  In the mean time, just believe.  Believe that Jesus is God.  Believe it.  Believe that He died for you.  You. You. You.  He loves you.  A fiery, unending, all-consuming love.  He loves you too much to leave you the way you are.  He will never leave you.  He has already answered your prayer.  Dying to yourself is the only way you will live.  Accepting discipline and allowing suffering is the only way you will grow.  Reaching out isn't weakness; it's strength.  Perfect love drives out all fear.  I am living out the fact that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST JESUS.  All things, my friends.  All. All.  All.

Thank you for reading.  Thank you for praying. 

Love and Hugs,



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