Pretending like someone never existed.
It sucks. And quite frankly, I just can't do it anymore. I promised I would be honest with this blog. And HONESTLY, this is really bothering me...so I am going to write about it even though every inch of me would rather just continue to keep it all inside. Keeping things inside is "safe"...writing what's in your heart on a blog that anyone can read...not safe. But I'm done with playing things safe. I've been done for quite some time. You can't grow stronger if you always keep all your padding on and sit on the sidelines. This blog is probably the hardest one I have ever written. Eek. So here goes...
This person definitely existed. And to the best of my knowledge, thankfully, still exists. It's hard to pretend like someone who was a major part of your life since you were 16 never existed in your life at all. No pictures on Facebook. No stories that mention him. No blogs (until today, of course).
I'm talking about my ex. The ex. The ex who superceeds all exs. We were together off and on (and off and on and off and on) since I was 16 and he was 18 up until two years ago. I'm not going to put his name on here for obvious reasons, but in real life...I can totally say his name out loud to anyone I want to without a problem (at least it's not a problem for me..it may be for them..but I don't care)...and that's really what counts. It doesn't matter that you know his name...it matters that I am ready to write about him. I have twelve years of pictures, stories, and great times that no one wants to hear me talk about because they just want me to forget he existed.
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Alot of bad things happened over the years. He messed up. Alot. He knows he did. I know he did. Everyone else knows he did. (Hence the whole thing with no one wanting me to talk about him). But this blog isn't at all about bashing him. Trust me, he really doesn't need any more of that. Especially from me.
Yeah, he messed up, it's not a secret. But so did I. That....is the secret. Not many people on the outside of things thinks thats the case, because all they see is all the bad things that he did to me. It's not like I sat there and told them that I did mean things too. That might make me look bad. God forbid anyone would have found out that I had problems. And as far as my friends and family go....their perception was that he was the devil incarnate....and that's mainly my fault. I told everyone within earshot every single mistake he made. I wanted to hear "Poor Katie, she's so sweet and he's such a jerk." I played the part of the sweet little innocent girl that was being treated badly by the big bad boyfriend....but didn't stop to think about my part in all of it. I'm SO done victimizing myself. I've been done for almost two years now. The minute he walked out the door, I started forgiving him and letting him go...for real this time. I just haven't had the guts to write about it. It's easy to blame him for everything, but what I have realized is that I wasn't able to have my own life all those years, I depended on him to by my everything....which no one on earth can do.
All of those years we were together, we truly and deeply loved each other for who we really were. We really really did. I know he loved me. But almost from the very beginning we both had huge issues that got in the way and caused us to make each other totally miserable at times. I don't think I was ever really and truly able to see my fault in all of this until recently when I started my relationship with God. I knew that I was wrong for pushing him all those years to be someone that he wasn't, and to be ready for things that he wasn't, but I didn't really and truly get it until recent years. I used him to fill a big huge void in my life. Instead of breaking up with him and letting him go when he did things I didn't like, I would keep him around and make sure that he felt bad all the time for the things he did. He could have left. I could have left. But we were dependant on eachother for the wrong reasons. I used him. I was selfish. End of story.
All of the awful things I said and did to him, and pushed on him, all revolved around the fact that I expected him to be everything to me. I felt empty and I put the pressure on him to make me feel better. When I felt like he wasn't fullfilling his end of the bargain (a bargain that he wasn't exactly included in) I made him feel guilty and told everyone that he was bad. Everything was his fault. Everything. I just wanted to hear that I was so good and he was so bad and that I deserved better, blah, blah, blah. I don't really know any of his other girlfriends, but I am pretty sure that I am the only one that so thoroughly accused him of being such a piece of crap human being on a regular basis. The reason I am writing all of this is because I just have to get it all off my chest. I feel like to only way I am going to feel better is if I write how sorry I am for the way I treated him when he didn't do exactly what I wanted him to do. Every mistake he made I held over him and never let him forget that he owed me. I would say that I forgave him but then I would constantly remind him of all the bad things he did. Who could deal with that!? I'm not some innocent little victim of his big bad scheme. He's a good person that did bad things sometimes. I'm so sick and tired of having to pretend like I hate him. I don't hate him at all. I never did. Ever. Not even for a second. I have long since forgiven him for all the mistakes he made. I just hope that in some way he has been able to forgive me. If he hasn't...that's okay too. It doesn't really matter. It's tiring carrying all of this crap around and not being able to talk about it to anyone. It's tiring trying to pretend that I didn't spend almost half of my life either with him or wishing I was with him. I feel like a completely difference person from the Katie I was when we dated. Of course I'm different from when I was 16, but I feel different from the Katie I was two years ago as well. From the moment that I asked God into my life I have started the slow process of allowing God to heal areas of my life and my heart. I needed to be able to let go of him in order to allow God to fill the void. But I just refused to let go. I didn't trust that God would be there. I held onto my ex with a kung fu ninja grip because I thought he was the only thing that could make me happy. Oh how wrong I was to do that. My family and close friends know that I forgave him a long time ago. I was sick and tired of not being able to ever mention his name to my parents so we had a nice loooooong talk a while ago and I told them the truth. The picture of him that I have painted all of these years is skewed. Yes, he DID bad THINGS, but he IS NOT a bad person. We were young and dumb and most of the time totally drunk and doing bad things....TOGETHER...not just him. I hate the bad things he did, but that doesn't mean that he, as a person, deserves for people to think he is bad. Just like I was looking for a way to be filled, so was he. We both tried to fill our lives with things that would never ever satisfy. Anytime you don't have God as your center...you are going to be looking in all the wrong directions for all the wrongs things that will never make it better. We both had the same problem...no God in our lives.
Ok...starting to feel a little better.
Let me be super clear....writing this doesn't mean I want him in my life again, this is totally not about that. And that's why I never talk about him to anyone. I don't want people to think that just because I talk about him that I am wanting him back. That is why his name is like a cuss word...everytime I say it people think that I want to be back with him. I can't blame them at all for thinking that. But it's not true anymore. I'm a new person in every way. Writing this is about finally setting the record straight. He is an intelligent, talented, hilarious, witty, great looking, fun, and caring guy. He genuinely cared for me and about me. He wanted to make me happy. I cared about him and wanted to make him happy too....but neither one of us could do that for the other because both of us were messed up and empty. We couldn't give what we didn't have.
I love him and care about him and always will. There I said it. Nothing blew up! : ) That is what I think of him and that is what I feel. It feels good to write it. I have never seen him as bad. Even if I said I did. The Katie that I am today doesn't care what people think about her or what people think she should do or say. God lives in me. God's love lives in me. And God loves him. I wish when we were together that I would have known God so that I could have loved him with the unselfish love of God that I know now. I regret that I wasn't a better example of God's love to him..I think all I looked like was a hypocrite. I pray that he find someone that can love him like that. The way everyone deserves to be loved. I think it was because I was beginning to have God in my life that I was finally able to be unselfish and let him go. When I broke up with him two years ago that was actually the first time that I felt like it was really and truly over. It would have been selfish of me to continue to pressure him. One of the most selfish things I've ever done in my whole life was pressure him to move in with me when I moved to DC. It makes me sick just thinking of how I acted. He wasn't ready, and neither was I. I was just so scared of losing him that I did the one thing to push him away...guilt him into moving too fast. With God's strength, I stopped thinking about myself...and I let him go.
Sometimes we think we are able to help people but all we are really doing is standing in God's way. AND sometimes we think that the other person is the one that needs all the help and we totally refuse to consider that we are in just as much need of help as they are..if not more. It's because of God's love and healing that I am able to write all of this. It is because my heart is healed and I have forgiven my ex and have moved on, that I am able to write this. I truly want nothing more in the whole world than for him to be happy and know God's love. I want that for everyone. But I just need to get it out that I want that for him too. I know he'll never read this...in fact, I really hope he doesn't. This isn't a letter to him. If I wanted to write a letter to him I would. But I don't want to. It's not about him reading it...it's about me being able to write it. To finally be honest and stop pretending like I hate him and that he never existed. He existed, we loved eachother, we have wonderful amazing memories, and now it's over. The end.
Now, I'm going to let out the breath I've been holding in forever and push the 'publish post' button. And throw up. JK! LOL! : )