Sunday, November 22, 2009

LOVE, Love, love........

Have you ever loved someone so much that you would act like a crazy person? The love would just well up inside you to the point that you feel like your heart might explode!?

Does the thought of being without this person even for a short amount of time made your heart hurt. If that person asked you to leave everything and move with them would you have already had your ticket in hand and bags packed?

You can't stop talking about them. You can't stop thinking about them. You have to recount every word of every conversation you ever have with them to anyone who will listen. You think about them all.the.time. You replay the wonderful times you had over and over again or you think about all the great things you are going to do together in the future. When you see something think of them and wish they were there to share it with you. When you are sad, they are the only ones that can make you feel better. When something exciting/funny/crazy happens, they are the first person you want to call and tell all about it.

You LOVE them, the way they make you feel, and just being with them.

Believe it or not, this is the way we need to feel about God.

Just like you almost can't contain yourself when you fall in love with a man/ should be so filled with love for God that you can't stop talking about Him, can't stop thinking about all the things you have talked about, can't wait to spend time with Him, He is the only One that can make you feel better, and if He asked you to leave everything that you know...your bags would already be packed and the ticket purchased.

It's true....God wants us to be completely and totally in Love with Him....for the Bible tells me so.

BUT it's not easy, is it? Passionately loving God isn't something that comes as easily as passionately loving another human being...and even that is hard. Here's the deal, yo,...if we can't passionately love God...then how are we ever going to be able to passionately love the people He created?

What would happen if we treated each other the way we tend to treat God?

Ponder this:

What if we said we were best friends with someone, but the only time we ever thought about them or saw them was on Christmas and Easter....and even then we couldn't wait to leave and we really only came because we felt like we should? Two visits a year does not a best friend make. You need to spend time with someone in order to say that you know them. A best friend is someone that you WANT to know and WANT to spend time with. You want to know what they like, what they don't like, where they come from, where they want to go....etc.

What if all we did was ask our fathers to give us something whenever we were with them?

What if, after working a long day at the office..your dad rushes home because he can't wait another second to see you..he runs through the door and you barely give him a second glace...even if you do notice him there all you do is ask him for something? Dad, can we get pizza for dinner? Dad, can I get a new bike like all my friends have? That would break your Dad's heart wouldn't it? All he wants to do is spend time with you and all you want from him is stuff.

What if every time our Dad told us to do something, we didn't listen and half the time did the exact opposite?

What if your Dad told you not to sit on the left side of the park bench. At the time, it sounds stupid and doesn't make any you sit on the left hand side of the park bench and find out that the paint was wet and that he saw that Wet Paint sign on the back of the bench from where he was standing and knew you couldn't see it. have a painted butt because you thought you knew better than your Dad that loves you.

What if we never thanked our husbands/wives?

What if, after making your favorite meal, listening about your day, rubbing your feet, telling you how amazing you are and how much they love you... you just went off to bed without so much as a smile or a thank you? Not only that, but you tell them that next time they shouldn't cook the meat for so long or rub your feet so hard. That would really make doing nice things for that person really hard.

I think you see where I'm going so I'll stop with my (super awesome) analogies.

My point is....when you love feel a desire for them that you can't create yourself. There have been guys in my life that I wanted to love, wished I could have loved, tried to love....but I just couldn't. I couldn't create a love that wasn't there. When you truly love someone the desire to know them and to be with them can't be faked.

If I didn't love God, it would be really hard for me to stand up for Him. If I didn't truly love God then I wouldn't want to do what He asks me to do. God has asked me to give up my life and come follow Him. That's intense and overwhelming to say the least. Doing so means that I am going to lose friends, boyfriends, etc. Following Jesus means that my desires will change..and have changed. I don't WANT to drink's not like I have to constantly stop myself from drinking....I didn't even need to stop drinking really. But I just stopped desiring to drink...and if you don't desire's hard to make yourself to it. I also don't desire to hook up with guys just so I can feel wanted, accepted, and pretty. I don't need it. Yeah, it's lost me some potential boyfriends, but I couldn't care less. Why would I want to be with someone that just wants to hook up with me?! Anyone can have sex. Sex is so easy a monkey can do (Bad joke alert.) God loves me soooooo much that He wants me to guard my heart. My heart is where God is. The Bible says that it is "the well-spring of life". I have let some wrong people into the garden of my heart and instead of planting a seed that will grow...they trampled my flowers....but I can't be upset....I gave them the key and gave them free reign. That was then....this is now. God wants me to be in love with Him first, and then everything else will fall into place. It's not easy to do. I find myself praying to God to give me the desire to love Him. I want to know how to love Him. And just like any relationship....He teaches me how to know Him and how to love Him. He wants us to seek Him out. He wants us to be hungry to more knowledge of Him.

I am so thankful to God for the fact that I have experienced being crazy in love with someone. If I hadn't experienced it...I wouldn't have known what it looked like. I want to love God in the way that He deserves for this wonderful life He has blessed me with. Thank you God!!!

Monday, November 16, 2009


Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. (Psalm 100:4)

To write of all the blessings, mercy, and grace that God has given me in my life would be impossible. First of all, there would be too much to write, and secondly, there is no word I can think of that would properly express my "gratitude" or "thankfulness". God knew me before I was born. Whoa. Take a second and think on that one.
God was there even when I didn't know Him and didn't want to know Him. I look back at the way I lived my life and I just can't imagine that God would have still given to me so abundantly when I was so obviously spitting in His face. What's even crazier is that now that I have God in my heart and my life, I realize that even though my life and the way I live it is so much better than's still not good enough...not even close. I realize that no matter how "good" I am, it will never be enough to deserve what God freely give me. I realize that no matter how "bad" I am or how much I mess up, it was never be enough for God to leave me and stop blessing me. That blows my mind, man.
I still have the hardest time wrapping my mind around God's love. Being able to let go and have faith that God will be there and do good things through me, with me, and for me...all for His soooo hard for me to get. I constantly feel like I let God down. I want to understand His love for me, have faith that can move mountains, speak words of truth and encouragement, fear Him, rejoice always, give, serve, meditate on things that are true and good, love God, accept His discipline, trust that He is good.....but it's not easy. I know I don't deserve this wonderful life God has given me....mainly because I don't appreciate it. Each new blessing God gives me, I look at what I still don't have. The issue is doesn't matter what job I have (even if I love my job...which I do!), where I live (even if it is an awesome apartment in DC), or how awesome my friends and family are (hello! They all rock!), I am still asking God for more...instead of simply being thankful and giving Him all the praise.
I get so frustrated with myself. No matter how much God has given me, I still think I can figure it all out on my own. I have faith only in what I can see and figure out. I allow life to overwhelm me. I think it's because in my own experience thus far, I haven't really known a man that I can really really that will love me, support me, protect me, fight for me, guide me, etc. Therefore, it's hard for me to get my mind wrapped around a God that will do that for me (and so much more) AND actually WANTS to. One thing I have realized though, is that God is the only Man that can be everything for me and never leave me or foresake me. Every other human..and therefore flawed...just like I am.
I have taken care of myself for a long time. Even when I had a boyfriend I hated to let them help me with anything. I think the reason was that I was afraid if I let my guard down and depended on someone, even just a little bit...that they would leave me and I wouldn't be able to take care of myself. It's been great to learn just how strong I can be. I have taken damn great care of myself. I can change a tire, carry my own suitcase/groceries/furniture, I can do minor household repairs, shot a gun, pay my own bills, work my butt off, cook for myself, clean for myself....etc. I love all that about me! But that very strength and stubborness might be what hinders me from letting go..and letting God (not to be too cliche).
I have a lot of strong, independent women in my life that I look up to so much. My mom for one...she is smart, beautiful, strong, independent, loving, caring, giving, hilarious, and my best friend. She taught me to be all of those things I listed above. She has made it through things that I can't imagine going through. When life gets nuts and I feel like I can't go mom is always there, holding it together for me. She is my biggest fan and cheerleader. My Grammy is another woman that is totally amazing and strong. She raised two rambunctious boys (my Dad and Uncle Ronnie), plus me, Kirk, Bronson, and Bryn, loved my grandfather with a love so true and deep that I can't even comprehend it, and always looked gorgeous, put together, classy, and happy. If I have style, it's because of her. After my grandfather died, she didn't give up. She kept on trucking for her family. She kept it together as he slowly died of cancer, and she continues to keep to together for all of us. She is the McNemar rock. She has been diabetic for almost 40 years now and at the age of 86 still walks two miles a day, rain, snow or sunshine (like the postal service), eats healthly, and won't be seen without her hair and makeup done. She loves to laugh, and she loves to love! My best friends, Heather, Julie, and Wajhma are all amazing examples of strong, smart women that love God and love life. Each one of them has impacted my life in such a profound way that words can't even describe how blessed I am to be able to call them sisters. you can see...I am surrounded by strong, independent women. Thank you, God for these women. Thank you for blessing their lives and blessing mine by having them in it.
I have no shortage of strong women to look up to.....but I definitely find it hard to depend on God. I'm scared. I'm scared that I will trust Him with something and then it will all fall apart. So instead of letting Him come into a crazy situation...I try, in my own knowledge and strength, to make it work. I worry relentlessly. I do my best to deduce the best way to do something in order to get the outcome I feel is best. I want minimal pain. But what actually end up doing....again and create an outcome that is far below the awesomeness that could have been if I just would have trusted God to come into the situation and let His glory shine. I have a hard time remembering that it's not all about me. I know! Shocking, right!? It's alllllll about God! All of it. My ego doesn't like that. But that doesn't take away the fact that it's true.
Another thing I can't wrap my mind around...I'm going to die one day. I could die right now. Who knows!? No one but God knows when their time is going to be up. I just don't want to die without having more time to shine God's light. I want to get it. I want to really really get it. I want to be able to wrap my mind around God's free gift of salvation, grace, and love. I want more time to show people the truth about God. I want people to understand that it's not a religion or a list of do's and do not's. It's about love and relationship. Giving and serving. I want my life to matter. I don't want it just to be a brief mist in time that made no impact for God's kingdom. I want my life to change lives...not for me..but for God. I don't care as much that my name be remembered as much as that my life will change the life of my family for generations to come. The decisions I make now...will save my family for generations. I will leave a legacy of God's love. I am not afraid to quote Pastor Clark yesterday..."what are they gonna do...threaten me with Heaven!?". I am not afraid to die. I know where I'll be. But I want to be able to stand before Jesus and know that I did my best to know Him while I was here.
I want more than anything for people to know the Truth. I know it's hard if don't already know Jesus. Trust me, I was there. But you can't say that you don't believe in Him if you never looked for Him. You can't say that He isn't God if you haven't given Him a chance to show you that He is. When I die and I stand before Him, I don't want Him to say that He didn't know me. I wish I could understand what it's like to live each day like it's your last. What would I do differently if I knew I was going to die soon? I mean, we're all going to die....we are currently all dying...but we live like we have forever to get it together. I used to be so scared of dying. When I was a kid I used to sleep in my parents room because I was afraid I was going to die in a fire. (No idea why I thought that). My whole life was based in fear. Fear controlled everything I did. With God...I need not fear anything. God is with me. He is with all of us. I thank God from the bottom of my heart for His love and am so sorry for not appreciating it enough. God is good. I write this as a cry out to God that I truly do want nothing more than more of Him and less of me. I know I don't have all the answers and the ones I do have are usually wrong. lol! I pray that God show me the truth. I pray that He show me how to love Him more, to trust Him more, and to have faith in Him.
Love you all!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Moving on UP! (Or down...I'm not good with directions..) my new view.

It looks like you can reach out and touch the Washington Monument (but you can't, I tried...).

My moms and pops came to see Kirk, Dana and I this weekend, so I took them to see my new digs. I haven't actually moved it yet...I'll be moving in this Saturday.

I don't know what I am going to do with all of my new-found free time.

Here is a list of things that I can do with my life now that I will no longer have a 3 - 4 hour commute to work each day:

  • Learn to play guitar or piano. I've always wanted to learn. I love to sing, so why not have some musical accompaniment. No more silly excuses about how my baby-sized hands don't allow proper guitar/piano playing. I'll just have to buy a baby-sized musical intruments.

  • Take some classes. I don't know what I want to take classes in quite yet, but I like that I now have enough time on my hands to consider it. I could take some grad school courses. I could take guitar lessons (see above). Judo. Bollywood dancing (heck yeah!). I could learn to belly dance. Rock climb. Speak spanish. Heck, with 3 extra hours a day, I could probably learn to play guitar while belly dancing and singing songs in Spanish. Unfortunately for me...more time doesn't always mean that I get more done. It typically means that I have more time to procrastinate. And then more time afterwards complaining about how I hate doing things last minute. I'm silly.

  • Get a life! I know...this one is my favorite one too. Now I have time and energy for FRIENDS!! And who knows..maybe a few dates here and there....I know, crazy. It's hard to date people when you live 24 miles outside of the city. I've done it, but it ain't easy. To guys in DC, living anywhere outside the city limits is pushing it..sometimes you're out just because you don't live on the metro line. It's nuts. So, when a guy hears that I live 24 entire miles away...that's pretty much the end. No one wants to sit in traffic. (except me it seems). You don't have to say it....I already know what you're going to say...Katie, if a guy really likes you...he'll drive 24 miles to see you. And do you know what I have to say to that? Have you SEEN 270!? It's impossible. No self respecting man would subject himself to such torture. Any guy crazy enough to drive on 270 to see me must be an insane stalker psycho killer. I wouldn't wish that drive on my worst enemy, not to mention a nice guy.

  • Volunteer. I would love to get more involved in local DC mission work. Feed the homeless. Spend time at a nursing home. Anything I can do to shine some of God's light.

Ok, that is just a short list. I am sure that I'll find something productive to do with myself.

Kirk up on the roooooof.......

Sunday, November 8, 2009

No one has ever become poor by giving. - Anne Frank

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (1Peter 4:12-14 NIV)

Then the mother of Zebedee's sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of him. 21"What is it you want?" he asked. She said, "Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom." 22"You don't know what you are asking," Jesus said to them. "Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?" "We can," they answered. 23Jesus said to them, "You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father." 24When the ten heard about this, they were indignant with the two brothers. 25Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— 28just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." (Mathew 20:20 - 28 NIV)

Do you know what my problem was most of my life? (Ok...there were lots, but lets just go for the Big Daddy of all problems, k!?) Do you want to know why I was depressed, dissatisfied, selfish, fearful, and always left wanting more? I lacked understanding of the one act/concept/desire that is the key to the knowing and experiencing the heart of God....One little word, big big big thing:


Giving is the key to everything.

I wasn't a giver.

I was a taker. I was a requirer. I was a blamer. I was an expecter. (A smiley and cute taker, requirer, blamer and expecter...and that's what made it hard to detect.)

I wasn't a forgiver. I wasn't a server. I wasn't a follower of Jesus.

You can't serve without giving. You can't truly love without giving. You can't grow without giving.

Without true giving there is nothing. Love means nothing. Friendship doesn't exist. Pain and Growth are nada. You can't have God living in you and not become a giver. You just can't. When the Spirit of God guides you, you become a giver without even thinking about it. Because that is God's way. Giving. He gave up His only Son for us. Giving is the way that God operates.

I spent a lot of years not understanding the concept of giving in the way that Christ gives. Sure, I gave things...when it was convenient for me, easy for me, or made me look sweet and nice....but I am sure I rarely gave when the giving would require pain or self sacrifice. Heeeeeck no. I didn't want to be a sucker. I deserved respect darn it.

I didn't even give to people that I really loved. Because the only love I knew was a copy of what real love is. I hadn't met with Love yet. Not really.

I have never loved like I love now. The love I love for real. It's deep, wide, and awesome. Because it's God's love. Our human, fleshly love can only take us so far.

Until I met God, I didn't understand what love really was, not even with my family. I think I mimicked what I thought love should look like, but I didn't really really get it until I got a taste of the love of God. It's still a hard thing for me. It just seems too good to be true. Could God really want someone like me sitting at His right hand!? The answer is yes....yes He does want someone like me sitting at His right hand. He wants everyone. Here's where it gets tough....just like Jesus told Zebedee's sons, James and John, yes..they can sit by Him in Heaven, but they have to be willing to drink the cup He is going to drink. This means that if you want to hang out with Jesus and be have to be willing to do what he did. And what He did is He served. He gave. He gave EVERYTHING. He gave His life. The concept of serving is hard because of our pride. People feel like they "deserve" to be treated a certain way, but God is no respecter of persons. We are all loved the same in His eyes no matter what we do.

We are a world of people that feel like we "deserve" stuff. We think the world....and God....owe us something. We all think we deserve respect, deserve the best things in life, etc. That is what society is telling us....but really....we don't "deserve" jack. In fact, I think the world needs a time out.

Ever since I wrote that blog last week about my ex, I have been realizing so much about myself. Old Katie was selfish, fearful, and manipulative. Ew. I covered it up pretty well unless you got too close. Then you could see the truth....the emptiness....the fear....the void. I felt like I "deserved" to be treated a certain matter how I acted. I wish I could say that he was the only guy that I manipulated and treated so selfishly...but that is just not the case. What I have been dealing with this week is the fact that because I didn't have God in my life, I hurt a lot of people. I didn't think about them. I thought about me. All I thought about was...What could they do for me? I wasn't asking much...just that they fill the huge empty hole in my life and cater to my insecurities and fears.

I am so glad that in real life the ghosts of boyfriends past don't come and visit you....because I would be totally and completely mortified by how I acted. I just loved to blame everything on everyone else. It was ALWAYS the guys fault. Not mine.

I don't know why I feel compelled to air all my dirty laundry via my blog, which at this point I am kinda hoping only my mom I just have to get it out of me. If I have to be something in this world, then why not be a chronic oversharer. It may not all make sense, but that's ok. I just have to write what I think I should write no matter whether I think it's important or not. I'm not ashamed of my past. I regret my actions and deeply apologize to anyone that I treated badly. I've apologized before, but never with the sincerity that I apologize with today. I want people to know the truth. I don't really know what people thought of me years ago, but I suspect that in general people would have considered me nice, fun, happy...maybe. My point of airing my dirty laundry is to show that we allllllllll need God. I appeared to have it all together, but I was seriously messed up. We all have this void in us that makes us act like selfish, self-deserving, fearful, yucky poo faces...unless we let God come in to where He the our hearts. Without God, we can't understand true giving, true love, and true serving.

If I have to go through hard times and feel some pain and suffer for be it. I suffered before knowing God, and it got me nothing but depressed. Jesus is asking us to sacrifice and suffer in the way He did....drink His cup....and the way that He suffered was to serve and to sacrifice out of love no matter what people did or said to Him. If I have to be single and "suffer" being lonely sometimes, eating dinner by myself, paying bills by myself, sleep by myself, be it. If I have to "suffer" people judging me because I don't drink, go hang out at clubs, and sleep be it. These little sacrifices are NOTHING compared to the miracles that God has already done in my life and will continue to do. There are so many ways that people truly suffer in the world...I don't consider it true suffering to sacrifice for God. down off the soap box now. I can't promise I won't talk about it again. I also don't want it to come across like I am talking bad about myself and don't like myself. I am talking about the old me in these posts and she is long gone, so we don't have to worry about hurting her feelings. For the first time in all my life I truly realize my worth. It took me a long time, but now I get it. I'm awesome. I will never be that empty girl again. I love ME!!! But that is only because me is me because of God. So, while I am talking about the past because I am dealing with it and moving on....I'm not trying to be self depricating....I'm straight up amazing and I know it. Ok...seriously, I'm done now....


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Wanderers, Dreamers, and Lovers....

“Some people do not have to search, for they find their niche early in life and rest there seemingly contented and resigned. At times, I envy them but usually I do not understand them… And seldom do they understand me. I am one of those searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we completely content. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach; we are drawn to the ocean, taken by its power and unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests, mountains, deserts, hidden rivers, and lovely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as our laughter. We are ambitious only for life itself and for anything beautiful it can provide. Most of all, we want to love and be loved, to live in a relationship that will not impede our wanderings and prevent our search. We do not want to prove ourselves to others or compete for love. This passage is for wanderers, dreamers, and lovers who dare to ask of life everything which is good and beautiful.”

Author Unknown

Monday, November 2, 2009

You know what SUCKS!?

Pretending like someone never existed.

It sucks. And quite frankly, I just can't do it anymore. I promised I would be honest with this blog. And HONESTLY, this is really bothering I am going to write about it even though every inch of me would rather just continue to keep it all inside. Keeping things inside is "safe"...writing what's in your heart on a blog that anyone can read...not safe. But I'm done with playing things safe. I've been done for quite some time. You can't grow stronger if you always keep all your padding on and sit on the sidelines. This blog is probably the hardest one I have ever written. Eek. So here goes...

This person definitely existed. And to the best of my knowledge, thankfully, still exists. It's hard to pretend like someone who was a major part of your life since you were 16 never existed in your life at all. No pictures on Facebook. No stories that mention him. No blogs (until today, of course).

I'm talking about my ex. The ex. The ex who superceeds all exs. We were together off and on (and off and on and off and on) since I was 16 and he was 18 up until two years ago. I'm not going to put his name on here for obvious reasons, but in real life...I can totally say his name out loud to anyone I want to without a problem (at least it's not a problem for may be for them..but I don't care)...and that's really what counts. It doesn't matter that you know his matters that I am ready to write about him. I have twelve years of pictures, stories, and great times that no one wants to hear me talk about because they just want me to forget he existed.

He Who Must Not Be Named.

Alot of bad things happened over the years. He messed up. Alot. He knows he did. I know he did. Everyone else knows he did. (Hence the whole thing with no one wanting me to talk about him). But this blog isn't at all about bashing him. Trust me, he really doesn't need any more of that. Especially from me.

Yeah, he messed up, it's not a secret. But so did I. the secret. Not many people on the outside of things thinks thats the case, because all they see is all the bad things that he did to me. It's not like I sat there and told them that I did mean things too. That might make me look bad. God forbid anyone would have found out that I had problems. And as far as my friends and family go....their perception was that he was the devil incarnate....and that's mainly my fault. I told everyone within earshot every single mistake he made. I wanted to hear "Poor Katie, she's so sweet and he's such a jerk." I played the part of the sweet little innocent girl that was being treated badly by the big bad boyfriend....but didn't stop to think about my part in all of it. I'm SO done victimizing myself. I've been done for almost two years now. The minute he walked out the door, I started forgiving him and letting him go...for real this time. I just haven't had the guts to write about it. It's easy to blame him for everything, but what I have realized is that I wasn't able to have my own life all those years, I depended on him to by my everything....which no one on earth can do.

All of those years we were together, we truly and deeply loved each other for who we really were. We really really did. I know he loved me. But almost from the very beginning we both had huge issues that got in the way and caused us to make each other totally miserable at times. I don't think I was ever really and truly able to see my fault in all of this until recently when I started my relationship with God. I knew that I was wrong for pushing him all those years to be someone that he wasn't, and to be ready for things that he wasn't, but I didn't really and truly get it until recent years. I used him to fill a big huge void in my life. Instead of breaking up with him and letting him go when he did things I didn't like, I would keep him around and make sure that he felt bad all the time for the things he did. He could have left. I could have left. But we were dependant on eachother for the wrong reasons. I used him. I was selfish. End of story.

All of the awful things I said and did to him, and pushed on him, all revolved around the fact that I expected him to be everything to me. I felt empty and I put the pressure on him to make me feel better. When I felt like he wasn't fullfilling his end of the bargain (a bargain that he wasn't exactly included in) I made him feel guilty and told everyone that he was bad. Everything was his fault. Everything. I just wanted to hear that I was so good and he was so bad and that I deserved better, blah, blah, blah. I don't really know any of his other girlfriends, but I am pretty sure that I am the only one that so thoroughly accused him of being such a piece of crap human being on a regular basis. The reason I am writing all of this is because I just have to get it all off my chest. I feel like to only way I am going to feel better is if I write how sorry I am for the way I treated him when he didn't do exactly what I wanted him to do. Every mistake he made I held over him and never let him forget that he owed me. I would say that I forgave him but then I would constantly remind him of all the bad things he did. Who could deal with that!? I'm not some innocent little victim of his big bad scheme. He's a good person that did bad things sometimes. I'm so sick and tired of having to pretend like I hate him. I don't hate him at all. I never did. Ever. Not even for a second. I have long since forgiven him for all the mistakes he made. I just hope that in some way he has been able to forgive me. If he hasn't...that's okay too. It doesn't really matter. It's tiring carrying all of this crap around and not being able to talk about it to anyone. It's tiring trying to pretend that I didn't spend almost half of my life either with him or wishing I was with him. I feel like a completely difference person from the Katie I was when we dated. Of course I'm different from when I was 16, but I feel different from the Katie I was two years ago as well. From the moment that I asked God into my life I have started the slow process of allowing God to heal areas of my life and my heart. I needed to be able to let go of him in order to allow God to fill the void. But I just refused to let go. I didn't trust that God would be there. I held onto my ex with a kung fu ninja grip because I thought he was the only thing that could make me happy. Oh how wrong I was to do that. My family and close friends know that I forgave him a long time ago. I was sick and tired of not being able to ever mention his name to my parents so we had a nice loooooong talk a while ago and I told them the truth. The picture of him that I have painted all of these years is skewed. Yes, he DID bad THINGS, but he IS NOT a bad person. We were young and dumb and most of the time totally drunk and doing bad things....TOGETHER...not just him. I hate the bad things he did, but that doesn't mean that he, as a person, deserves for people to think he is bad. Just like I was looking for a way to be filled, so was he. We both tried to fill our lives with things that would never ever satisfy. Anytime you don't have God as your are going to be looking in all the wrong directions for all the wrongs things that will never make it better. We both had the same God in our lives.

Ok...starting to feel a little better.

Let me be super clear....writing this doesn't mean I want him in my life again, this is totally not about that. And that's why I never talk about him to anyone. I don't want people to think that just because I talk about him that I am wanting him back. That is why his name is like a cuss word...everytime I say it people think that I want to be back with him. I can't blame them at all for thinking that. But it's not true anymore. I'm a new person in every way. Writing this is about finally setting the record straight. He is an intelligent, talented, hilarious, witty, great looking, fun, and caring guy. He genuinely cared for me and about me. He wanted to make me happy. I cared about him and wanted to make him happy too....but neither one of us could do that for the other because both of us were messed up and empty. We couldn't give what we didn't have.

I love him and care about him and always will. There I said it. Nothing blew up! : ) That is what I think of him and that is what I feel. It feels good to write it. I have never seen him as bad. Even if I said I did. The Katie that I am today doesn't care what people think about her or what people think she should do or say. God lives in me. God's love lives in me. And God loves him. I wish when we were together that I would have known God so that I could have loved him with the unselfish love of God that I know now. I regret that I wasn't a better example of God's love to him..I think all I looked like was a hypocrite. I pray that he find someone that can love him like that. The way everyone deserves to be loved. I think it was because I was beginning to have God in my life that I was finally able to be unselfish and let him go. When I broke up with him two years ago that was actually the first time that I felt like it was really and truly over. It would have been selfish of me to continue to pressure him. One of the most selfish things I've ever done in my whole life was pressure him to move in with me when I moved to DC. It makes me sick just thinking of how I acted. He wasn't ready, and neither was I. I was just so scared of losing him that I did the one thing to push him away...guilt him into moving too fast. With God's strength, I stopped thinking about myself...and I let him go.

Sometimes we think we are able to help people but all we are really doing is standing in God's way. AND sometimes we think that the other person is the one that needs all the help and we totally refuse to consider that we are in just as much need of help as they are..if not more. It's because of God's love and healing that I am able to write all of this. It is because my heart is healed and I have forgiven my ex and have moved on, that I am able to write this. I truly want nothing more in the whole world than for him to be happy and know God's love. I want that for everyone. But I just need to get it out that I want that for him too. I know he'll never read fact, I really hope he doesn't. This isn't a letter to him. If I wanted to write a letter to him I would. But I don't want to. It's not about him reading's about me being able to write it. To finally be honest and stop pretending like I hate him and that he never existed. He existed, we loved eachother, we have wonderful amazing memories, and now it's over. The end.

Now, I'm going to let out the breath I've been holding in forever and push the 'publish post' button. And throw up. JK! LOL! : )