I wanted to call this "Things I Learned From Watching The Bachelor", because I am 100% sure these observations I've made are something you find on that show. But since I don't watch the Bachelor...I decided that really didn't make any sense. However, that show is the poster child for some things that I've noticed lately as I've been out and about.
I have been observing the courting/dating/stalking habits of women lately as if I were a National Geographic explorer (I even wear the khaki shorts, vest with all the pockets, carry a camera, butterfly net, wear a floppy awkward hat of some kind, and hiking boots...if I'm going to be taken seriously as a researcher then I better look the part). What I have come to realize after having been stared down O.K. Corral style by 85% of all single females within shoot-out distance (more like 99%, but I'm trying to give some of them the benefit of the doubt and assume they are probably just suffering from symptoms of retinal detachment, or are trying to squint and see what kind of shoes I have on) , that they see me as a competitor in a competition I'm not even competing in (I just used multiple forms of compete in one sentence...if there were a competition going on here....I just won. Holla!) It's ruthless out there, I tell ya! I just want to wear a t-shirt every where I go emblazoned with "I don't want your man....I want my man!" or "I come in peace!" or "Make Friends, not War" and see if maybe that will cool things off a bit. I am seriously ready for some crazy Sharks and Jets/West Story type stuff to break out. (When girls fight we snap our fingers while circling around each other, dance, and sing. And that's a scientific fact.)
I don't think this is just a problem in DC, but it's much easier to observe here...'cause well, it's a huge metropolitan city...a melting pot....and population dense. DC is chocked full of single, driven, insanely gorgeous, incredibly intelligent, well-educated and cultured women. DC also happens to be chocked full of single, driven, insanely handsome, incredibly intelligent, well-educated and cultured men. Having just started my research, I am not going to tout myself as the leading expert on the dating rituals of "single DC". However, it doesn't take long to see what's going on here.
Picture it...Sicily 1943 Uncle Carmine was in the pizza shop....SORRY....didn't mean to go all Golden Girls on you.
Ok, seriously though, picture it....
A group of single ladies want to find (hunt) themselves one of DC's most eligible bachelor's so they get their best "hunting gear" ready and they head out with the intent of capturing their prey...I mean, "date" (and I use this word extremely loosely). The hunting gear of choice seems to be short dresses (kinda like the one I wore the other night...but that was for research purposes only), perfectly styled hair, perfect "war paint"...or as the natives call it....makeup, no rings on the fingers of their left hand at all....just in case someone might mistake one of them as a wedding or engagement ring (I went a step further and drew a big circle around my empty ring finger with a waterproof black Sharpie....), and the highest high heels allowed by the law of gravity (kinda like my "purely research based" heels that I wear in order to assimilate into the tribe and gain their trust).
Sure they go out in packs of "singles", but ultimately it is survival of the fittest. Literally, the fittest. You never know how far you will have to walk, run, or crawl in order to get your man, so you sure as heck had better spend your non-hunting hours at the gym workin' on your fitness. Stay hydrated, and fueled with energy...as long as that energy doesn't come from carbs....this is a no carb zone as stated in the "Single Girls Guide to Becoming Everything a Man Could Ever Want or Need: Or at Least Give the Illusion of Such Until He Gets to Know You and Finds Out That You're A Normal Human Being That Loves Pizza and Hate Football". The group tends to start off as a close pack and then fan out in order to make sure that the man or men of choice can't escape...I mean, leave....without noticing their "hunting gear" and mating dance. Once a target has been established they sound the equivalent of a duck call....this is known as...."women dancing with each other in a group" (something I participated in only to get a closer look....for my research). Once the "singles" have their man hypnotized by this ancient mating ritual....they move in. The pack begin to dance with the men in the group of choice. If he tries to dance with a girl outside of the established pack then said "extraneous" girl will be challenged to a stare down or worse...extricated from the vicinity by one of the pack members. This can be done with lethal and non-lethal force. And by "lethal" I mean....the hair toss/booty shake combo. No man can resist. If you are "extraneous girl" and you find yourself between a man and a hair toss/booty shake....just go....run....get the heck outta Dodge. This girl is one step away from straight up taking your dancing partner by the hair and dragging him back to her cave...I mean apartment. I actually feel bad for single guys in this regard. I mean, they are truly being hunted. Every time I am around a single woman and she finds out that the man she is talking to is single...I picture that in her head she sees his head hung on her wall like a dead deer because she has found her new conquest. She has found her new challenge. She won't leave his side to even go to the bathroom just in case someone decides to hair toss/booty shake whilst she is away. She has found a new guy to run around after while the right guy is running around behind her wishing she would just stop and turn around.
Okay, okay, okay...you probably think I am being unfair and making sweeping generalizations. And if you think that then you are obviously not still single or haven't left your house because you are allergic to air and sunlight. But the reason I am writing about this is because it just plain bothers me. If you have to hog tie your man to a chair so that he won't run after some other little filly while you go powder your nose, then MAYbe, just MAYbe....he's not the dude for you. Listen, I used to compete, believe me. But after years of chasing men around and trying everything I possibly could to be noticed....I realized something. Why the heck am I chasing after them???? Do I really want to win this competition? If the prize I win is a man that didn't think enough of me to pursue me, then what do I really have? It's freakin' exhausting. There are a million and one excuses we make. But, I realized that my "job" in the dating game isn't to chase after a man, no matter how wonderful and eligible he is, because you know what...if he's not pursuing me, then he doesn't want me. And if he doesn't want me....then I am bound for heartache. When a man is ready, he will be looking. If he isn't strong enough or interested enough to pursue you....then why would you want him? This is why the show The Bachelor is so messed up. Guys don't respect girls that chase them. Period. Guys like the attention. Guys like to feel attractive. They might keep this girl around for awhile. Guys might even like the instant gratification they get from a girl that doesn't say no. But they don't love those girls...and that makes me sad. That's why I can't watch that show. It's even more frustrating to see it live and in person to be honest.
So, I'll leave you with this:
Dear Single Ladies of the World,
Hi! I'm Katie. How are you? Love your shoes! I am writing in order to inform you that I chose quite some time ago to bow out of World Wide Eligible Bachelor Competition XIVIVVIXXXXXXIIIV. I thank you for your thinking of me as a fellow participant, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I have found that if a man is looking to find someone more beautiful than me, smarter than me, funnier than me (as if), taller than me, more refined than me, etc...then he will most certainly find it in one or all of you. So, instead of competing with you, I would like to stand beside you as we support each other in this difficult life we lead. Instead of molding myself into what I think a man would want, I am going to allow God to mold me and refine me into who He wants me to be. In His eyes, we are all contest winners. We are all perfect. We are all enough. We are all the apple of His eye. I can't compete with that. I don't want to compete with that. I ask that you join me in ending the exhausting chase. The right man will find us smack dab in the middle of us living our lives. I don't suggest we sit around like a bump on a log and hope that the pizza guy is the man of our dreams so we'll never have to get out there and take some risks. I suggest we get up, get out, and live our lives to the fullest every moment of every day. I suggest that we spread God's love and light wherever we go. It's the light of God that the right man will follow while He pursues you. Fancy clothes will go out of style, and makeup washes away...but the light of God will never fade. I love you all ......single ladies of the world unite! Our motto is: R.E.S.P.E.C.T find out what it means to me!!!!
Let Go or Get Dragged....
(thank you Whole Foods card section)