Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Random Ramblings of a Spotty Mind....
Man, I have had some serious writer's block. And you know what that means.....POINTLESS RAMBLING TIME!!! YAAAAYYYYY!
So, I joined a new gym. It's right down the street from my apartment, and basically...it's awesome. My beloved gym in the basement of my ancient apartment building apparently doesn't believe in air conditioning....or cleaning.....so, yeah, I had to move on up. My new gym has been there for a long time, but was recently bought out by a chain of gym's in DC and now it's a "training facility slash spa". I remember walking by and looking in the window at the modern style, new equipment, and beautiful people, thinking to myself....that place looks too nice to work up a sweat in. Now, some of ya'll folks that have grown up in these here fancy parts might be used to hoity-toity gym/spas, but I still find the gym/spa atmosphere to be....um, different. In WV, all we need is a garage or an out-building of some kind, throw in a bench, some weights, a jump rope, and maybe a thigh master, (but only to laugh at)...and bam! we've got a gym. But low and behold....the new management ran a special...and there is one thing that Katie can't resist.... a ridiculously good deal (and the chance to refer to herself in the third person).
Anyway, so the new gym owner hired hotty mchotterson's to stand out on the streets of Glover Park (my hood) and hand out flyers for this ridiculous deal. After thinking it over for .000034 seconds I decide to go in and "check it out". I approach the front desk and say that I am interested in possibly joining the gym and wanted to learn some more. So, the lovely lady says to me, "WONDERFUUUUUULLLL! Let me go get GRAHAM! I'll be RIGHT back, K!" Dude, I thought I was annoyingly happy, but this lady took the cake....the happy cake! Then it happened............Graham happened. I'm not sure if this was their strategy, but I would call Graham...the Closer. I don't know why they brought out the "big guns" (pun intended) before I even had the chance to say, "let me think about it", but...I guess they just suppose that it's best to seal the deal right away. If you haven't already guessed, Graham was not only the owner of the gym, but he was obviously also a client. In other words, he wasn't too hard on the eyes. And to boot, he was sweet and funny. When I could manage to actually speak, this is what I said.....okay, shouted.........."SOLD! Where do I sign?!" So, it worked!
That very same day I came back to the gym to work out. I quickly begin to feel that maybe I have made a mistake. I felt out of place. This gym felt too "nice" to use. Everything looked new and was so clean and perfect. No one was running on the treadmills, they were walking. They didn't have Nautilus equipment or big metal bench bars....they had rubber free weights and equipment with tons of different colored bands hanging off of it. How am I supposed to workout without hearing some weights being dropped on the floor or banging together? How am I supposed to run with Miss Universe 2010 "walking" beside me at a brisk yet relatively relaxed pace? What if some of my sweat hits Miss Universe 2010 in the eye? I'm a sweater. I sweat. Maybe I should have read the rules....maybe there are rules about sweating. Maybe that is why everyone looks so....relaxed in their workouts. Oh crap....I'm already sweating just thinking about trying not to sweat. And how exactly do you use those fancy band thingys? Everyone looks too mesmerized by the light ambient techno they have going on to interrupt, so I just hop on the Elliptical and start observing. I quickly learn that this gym is mostly hot guys my age, but for some reason that only makes things worse. I don't come to the gym to "be seen"...I come to the gym to be smelly and get my workout on. I come to the gym to "not be seen" actually. Luckily none of the hotties have hit on me, or even glanced in my general direction. However, the weird creepy guy that stares too long only took 4 days to work up the nerve to walk over and throw this gem at me...."WOW, you must be a gymnast to be that flexible!! (insert disturbing facial expression here)" I tried the "I have my headphones on and can't hear whatever creepy thing you just said", but instead of taking the hint at my pointing to my ears, he just got closer and yelled it at me. At this point, I kinda wished that this was a women's only gym....and that the "only" women that could join were people that did not compete in Miss Universe. All this stress leads to....you guessed it....more sweating. (Why do so many of my rambling stories involve me being a sweaty mess around hot guys!? Seriously.) I decide at some point that I will no longer entertain thoughts that I am essentially a "gym crasher" and accept that this fancy gym is as much mine as it is Miss Universe's and by golly I'm going to sweat the hell out of it. Hey...somebodies gotta do it! Why not ME!? And not only that....I'm going to partake in all that this fancy gym has to offer.
I called my mom and dad and told them all about my new gym. I felt like I was describing Disney World. I was telling them that there are pitchers of ice cold water with slices of oranges or cucumbers in them they have sitting out for people to drink, but that I refused to drink it because I was afraid that it was just there for decoration. They immediately told me that I had to be wrong, why would anyone have decorative water? Who feels the need to have their post-workout rehydration be cucumber flavored??? But they don't understand DC....they don't understand the ways and whys of the elitist upper class post-modern ideas of decoration and ambiance. It's a fine line you gotta walk sometimes, people.....a fine line indeed. I'm not even going to get into the debate as to whether or not to eat the free apples. I'll spare you that much.
So, I just go over to the boring ol' water cooler. While I was at it I should have just put my water in a bowl on the floor and lapped it up like a dog because that is mentally the way I was treating myself. It even took me a few days to go into the sauna because I wondered if maybe it was just for decoration as well. My keen powers of observation had been at work for days and I had yet to see anyone drink the "infused" water, or go into the sauna. I thought that there is probably some kind of fancy gym/spa etiquette that most civilized members of society know innately and I didn't want to out myself as the country bumpkin that I am quite yet! I mean, it's inevitable at some point I am going to slip up and wear some cammo or start singing Waylon Jennings or something, but I was hoping to fend it off a while longer.
I felt like a thief that was casein' the joint. I wonder if anyone noticed my shifty eyes as I slowly walked by the infused water, hoping, wishing, and praying that someone would take a drink. But no one ever did. My curiosity was killing me. How could people not drink it? Gorgeous presentation. Cold water. Come ON! So I did it. I cautiously approached the pitcher of cucumber water. I slowly grabbed the handle and quickly looked up and darted my eyes around to see if the whole gym had stopped their workouts to observe the country bumpkin as it commits fancy gym crime #1....never drink the flavored water...it's not for you....it's not for anyone....it's there for illusory purposes only. In my mind I figure this is how they weed out the intellectual elite from the hicks from hickville. As soon as they are alerted to your "status" you are quickly escorted out of the gym by anyone other than Graham...Graham will have nothing to do with a cucumber water drinking redneck that doesn't know a decoration from a hole in the ground. But I defied all logic and....drank the water. And you know what....it was delicious. And you know what else.... no one cared!!!!! Can you believe it?? I was so pumped that I trotted right into the sauna and sat there sweating out my fancy cucumber water for a good 30 minutes. Then, when I took a shower, I used their fancy shampoo and conditioner. And when I got out of the shower....I even used some of the lotion they had there. No one escorted me out. No one looked at me strangely. Heck, as I was leaving guess what I saw....someone drinking the freakin' fancy water....!!! That's right!!! Score one for the country bumpkin!!! I bet that everyone in that gym has been DYING to drink that water, but they didn't want to look like freaks, so they waited for some sweaty mess to take the first shot and then it was free game. I just hope that the lady in charge of the cucumber water infusing isn't too upset with me...I hate to have created more work for her.
Although my true story may have been exaggerated a tiny bit, don't we do this in real life all the time? Don't we feel like all the good stuff must be for someone else? That if we reach for it, we're going to be told that it's not for us? Maybe we don't feel that way about flavored water, but maybe we feel that way about a job promotion, or someone we would like to date, or a new house, and especially our relationship with God? Ah oh....it seems that my rambling story actually ends up being a great analogy for how we view God's gifts, blessings, and love. I tried to not get all deep on ya'll, but it's all that fancy water I've been sippin' on....I can't help it. Just like I felt I wasn't "fancy" enough to be a member of my gym, we tend to think that we aren't "good" enough Christian's to deserve what God wants to give us. We are constantly comparing ourselves to other people. We either feel like we have it more together than someone else, or that we are the dirt on the bottom of our shoes compared to another Christ follower. We all really need to stop thinking that God's open outstretched hand is for someone better than, or more deserving than we are. We need to stop thinking we need to steal our way through life. We can't steal God's blessings because He gives them freely. We don't need to look around and see what everyone else is doing. Reach for the blessings that God has laid on your heart. Start a trend. Show the world that God is Who He says He is. Grab yourself a cup of cucumber flavored water and think on it. : )