I never know when it’s going to happen. Sometimes it will hit me when I am in the middle of laughing at a joke. All-of-a-sudden, I’ll feel a million miles away even though I am, physically, still in the same location. I feel totally alone even though I am surrounded by people. I look at the people I know and I feel like I don’t know them anymore. The feeling of panic starts like a wave. It grows in momentum until it finally comes crashing down on me. I break out into a cold sweat. My fight or flight response has been activated for no real reason. I want to run, but I don’t want to freak everyone out or look like a crazy person. It takes every drop of energy I have to not run. The world seems to close in on me; wrap itself around me and squeeze so hard I can barely breathe. I wish I could just unzip my skin and run out of the body that has me trapped inside. The inability to calm myself down or talk myself out of this makes me feel like I am on a runaway train. My stomach starts cramping and I get hot. More sweating...
If you would like to read more of my story then I invite you to hop on over here to grab yourself a copy of Not Alone: Stories of Living with Depression. My friend, Alise Write, has published this amazing book that compiles the stories of people that are dealing with depression. Even if you've never struggled with depression or anxiety in your own life, this book can give you a better understanding of the people in your life that do or did. No one story is the same. There isn't a simple answer to the question, "How do I make it better?". But there is comfort found in the fact that you or the one's you love are not alone in how they feel. This book breaks the chains of depression by bringing the truth of the struggle into the light.
And if that doesn't make you want to buy a copy....buy one because my name's in it. And that's super awesome.