Honesty...oh how I loathe thee sometimes. Just when you have yourself believing that everything is fine and as it should be, you end up having to do the one thing that is the hardest...look into your heart...tear down the beautifully constructed facade (just got done painting it and everything!)....and be honest with yourself. All that work ...only to discover that things are in fact not fine and not as they should be. DRATS!
So, I promised that I would be honest even though I have no idea who is reading these posts, so it is a bit of a scary thing. I knew when I typed on my blog that I was going to be honest that God would probably test me to see if I would really do it. It's so much easier for me to talk about all my past hardships no matter how bad I was or what I did, because I am past all that...I'm a new Katie in every way. Talking about my current struggles is the hardest for me because I have spent my whole life perfecting the art of "everything is GREAT! Just fine. Could not be better." Only within the last year have really realized that I do this. One of the ways I excused this behavior in my mind was to say that I was trying to be a glass-half-full kinda girl...keep a positive outlook...not burden others, etc. Sounded good to me. But the real truth of all is, I am a prideful schmuck who wants everyone to think I have it all together. Well world....I don't. The worst part is...I'm really the only one that's truly convinced when I am lie to myself and tell myself that everything is great. All my real friends and family see right through all the BS. And thank God that I have friends and family that are awesome enough to crash through my wall of BS and make me be honest with myself (thanks ya'll!). Most days are great...but some days....like today...I just want to crawl into a cave like Johnny Cash did and not come out until I hear from God. (Instead...I ran to my best friend's office and cried my eyes out and made her listen to me selfishly drone on about my seemingly helpless situation.)
The funny thing about life (that's not actually funny at all) is that there are tons of decisions that are to be made....and we want to talk about these decisions with every person within earshot just in case someone....by some stroke of luck says the magic words and it all goes away. But ultimately....no matter what anyone else says (well intentioned or not...Mom) you have to make the final call all by yourself. And you also have to accept the consequence of said decision...right or wrong. Where did I put that magic eight ball again!? : ) I swear, when my cousin/BFF were younger we used to make serious life decisions from our trusty purple-watered eight ball. Kinda scary! LOL! Now-a-days, I open up the Bible...I'm sure you're not shocked to find out that I got waaaaaaay better answers.
So my dilemma is this: How do I say that I completely believe that God is real, good, living in me, and has it all figured out for me already...and yet still totally freak out about my life? Why the heck do I do that!? I consider myself faithful...yet I am facing a serious crossroads in my life and I feel totally alone and like I have the entire world on my shoulders. How do I know the difference between God talking to me and me talking to myself? Since I'm so seasoned at lying to myself, how do I know when I am following my own half-cocked notion or something God has planted in me!? Because,you see, I will be going along seemingly just fine....and then all-of-a-sudden... BAM! I wake up one day and something just feels wrong. I can't sleep. I'm stressed. My left eye is twitching (the poor maintenance man thought I was winking at him today)! My back hurts. I'm exhausted. No motivation. I'm Grumpy Pants McGee! BLAH! Just like that. And so now, I find myself at a crossroads and none of the choices are clearly labeled "THIS IS THE WAY TO GO IF YOU ARE FOLLOWING GODS PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE". I realize that, number one...that would be a hella big sign and therefore impractical....and two....if it were that easy to figure out I wouldn't be awake all night eating candy and trying to read Jane Eyre while my eye twitches outta control (I'm reading Pride and Prejudice hoping that a good dose of some good old fashioned romance will take me away from all my troubles, but all it does is remind me that I am very much without a Mr. Darcy). SO, I have to do something. I can't continue feeling this way. I'm not one of those people that can swallow the unhappiness and roll on. Heck no!!! Not for a second. Once it hits me that somethings wrong, the investigation starts. Detective Katie has to get to the bottom of the eye twitch before she gets fired for sexual harrassment.
I pray that God give me wisdom and discernment as I choose the road to follow. I pray that I choose the road on which God has already gone before me and make the way. I pray that I be filled with the Holy Spirit and through His power and strength I will do the right thing even if it doesn't make me "happy" at the time. I pray that God lead me to the decision that brings peace. I am not as concerned about immediate happiness as I am about having a deep and true peace. I pray that I am able to shut up long enough to hear what God wants me to do. I pray that God put people in my life that direct me where to go. I thank God for all of the blessings that I have. Not for one second am I not grateful for all of the wonderful blessings in my life. It is enough, Jesus! YOU are enough! No matter how bad the storm, I will never doubt that God is there and that He loves me. I am not asking God for the easy way out. I am asking God to lead me through the narrow opening and onto the curvy road that is His path. I don't want an "easy" life...oh no...too boring...I just want a peaceful soul. Thank you Jesus for the support of my friends and family. I am loved. I am cared for. And I am not alone. I pray for everyone reading this post...I pray that even now as they read these words that you reach into their hearts and bring them comfort. Fill them with your love. Bless their lives and show them that you love them. PRAISE GOD!