Saturday, August 29, 2009
Life is like a box of chocolates...and I like to stick my finger in the bottom of all of them to see what I'm gonna get.
Ok...Life Freakout #345 2009 is officially over. There was a pity party for Katie and believe me....everyone was invited. Thank you to everyone who helped me get through this one (seriously, I love my friends and family). Phew! I hate that feeling. I can't stand feeling so overwhelmed by life that I totally freak out, won't listen to reason, and am one more bad thought away from quitting my job, shaving my head (thanks for the idea Britney), speaking only in Pirate (ahoy matey...me thinks me life is about ta walk the plank), watching reruns of Reba for 4 days straight (I actually did that during one very memoriable life freakout in 2006), and moving to Hazard, KY (it just sounds cool). BUT thank the Lord that none of that happened...especially the Hazard, KY part. The Duke boys are probably in their 60's and I don't look too hot in Daisy Dukes these days. But I digress...why did I have Life Freakout #345 2009, you ask!? Well, I don't really know for sure. It's a bit of a pattern I have. Just when life seems pretty freakin' awesome...what does Katie tend do!?...Katie tends to freaks out. It wasn't until this recent freakout did I recognize the pattern. Life freakouts are no longer a part of New Katie's life, BUT sometimes I forget and I allow the Old Katie to take charge again. The thing about Old Katie is that she couldn't handle things very well. So I died to that old life and became the Real Katie in Christ. Old Katie used to not be able to handle any kind of stress, but in Christ...I can do absolutely anything He wills me to do. It's truly a miracle. So, I am not going to blame this freakout crap on the devil, even though he is very well pleased when it happens...oh no...the freak outs are from me. From parts of me that need to be nailed up on the cross where they belong. That is what Jesus is talking about when He tells us to deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Him (paraphrase Luke 9:23). Jesus is saying that following Him is a daily process of denying yourself and placing those things that need to die upon the cross where they died with Jesus long ago.
What do you struggle with? Drinking, eating too much, starving yourself, shopping, gossiping, depression, worry, no faith, anxiety, lying, judging, stealing, drugs, etc? Until these things are dead, they must be placed on the cross daily. This. Is. HARD. For example...I love to eat. I live alone and when I am feeling lonely, I want to eat, and most times I do. Does it help me feel not alone!? Not at all. As much as I talk to the ice cream, it doesn't talk back to me. When I give in to what I know is something I shouldn't do, not only am I sinning which makes me feel like crap, but I am not denying myself. I am saying to God.."Hey! Thanks for dying for all of my sins and all, but I prefer to keep stuffing my face because you aren't sufficient to fill my void". But do I ever feel full? No, I don't. I could eat two pizzas and still be hungry...why!? Because I am actually hungry for God but refuse to deny my need to eat so that I can see that God is faithfully with me. So not only am I not full when I eat too much, but now I am mad at myself for not having control. And let's not forget that sin always involves a consequence....in my case...the awesome weight gain that occurs. Too bad for all of those new pants I bought (which also didn't make me feel any better about myself). Guess they'll just have to go in the "clothes I'll wear one day when I quit eating everything in sight" box. Will a new pair of shoes fill the void? Heck no...but I keep buying them. Will a hot guy fill the void....I WISH..but no...unfortunately that doesn't do it either. I have yet to hear of a case of someone being totally satisfied with what they have other than when they are in the presence of the Lord....some people may deny this claim...either because they are in complete denial or they have never been in the presence of God. When I freak out about life it's not because I am sitting there thinking that God doesn't have everything under control...it's not God I'm worried about. It's me. I'm worried that God has this awesome plan out there for me and I am going to make the wrong decision and miss it. I want to stick my finger in all the chocolates to find out what is in them because I can't stand not knowing. With God...every chocolate is filled with your favorite yummies...if only you will believe and just stop poking around and enjoy. I have changed so much and so quickly over these last few years that I barely remember what Old Katie was even like. I only get little glimpses when I have these little freakouts, but even they aren't that bad in comparision to how bad it used to be. There are many things that I have been able to give up because, honestly, they just stopped being enjoyable to me. God is now working on the things that are going to be painful to give up. My security blankies if you will. He wants to be in their place. Every time I feel like eating when I'm really not hungry....God wants to be there instead. Every time I feel like I need to buy something new to make myself look pretty....God wants to show me that I don't need new clothes and things...I am pretty in a potato sack because God's love shines from me. Every time I feel lonely...God wants to comfort me. The best moments of my whole life are when it's just God and me...chillin'. God wants me to take these deepest hurts and fears...and walk right up to the cross and nail them there. God isn't going to make me do it. He doesn't force us. But if we are to ever know the true joy of living in the Spirit of the Lord, then we need to be willing to give up our idols. Food is an idol to me. Having stuff...is an idol to me. All of these things will rust and rot, but God's love is eternal. So I start my journey of digging deeper. Any time that the old me tries to pop back up and run away...I am going to keep pushing forward. God has big plans for me and I don't need to know what they are right now...I just need to believe that they are good.