|Almost Heaven, WV...|
I decided long ago, never to walk in any man's shadow, if I fail, I succeed...oh wait. That's what Whitney Houston decided. Sorry. She and I both have sweaty upper lips when we sing, so I get confused. I decided that I would never blog just to blog. I always want to make sure that everything I write pours out of me and isn't forced. That is most likely just an excuse to not have to share the tough stuff, but for now that's the banner I'm waving.
Some days I feel close to God and some days I feel as far away from Him as the Earth is to the sun. I feel like I gaze at Him from a distance wishing I could feel His warmth, but only feeling as if His presence has been eclipsed by darkness. Some days I know with 100% certainty that I am walking in God's will and other days I feel like I have made all of this up in my head. Some days I realize that I am living my dreams and other days I feel like I am just grabbing at straws in order to convince myself that what I am doing is the dream God planted in my Spirit. Some days I seek God with all my heart and other days I hide my face from Him in anger like a spoiled brat. Some days I feel like everywhere I turn I feel loved and encouraged, other days I feel lonely and distant.
But I don't give up.
God loves me. He isn't a jerk. He doesn't throw me into a maze and laugh at me as hit my nose off the walls as I frantically try to find my way to the exit. He love me. He doesn't plant a dream in my Spirit and then make it totally impossible to achieve. He isn't a bully. He doesn't send me into the desert alone. He speaks tenderly to me there. He loves me more than I can ever know. Most days I feel like it's almost unfair all the blessings and moves of God that I get to witness. If I keep my heart open and not let the lies of the enemy creep in, I see God everywhere.
I am beginning to sense another big shift in my life. I see the widening glow of the light at the end of the tunnel. I run towards it with perserverance. I don't allow myself to grow weary despite the distance. I know that each step isn't just towards my goal...it is my goal. Every moment counts. Every experience whether I perceive it as "good" or "bad" is all a part of my story. Even when I fail, God uses it for His glory. I don't understand how, but I am sure glad that He does. My fear of not trying is now greater than my fear of failure and that, my friends, is priceless. If the worst thing that can happen to me this side of Heaven is to be alone, hated, starved, rejected, beaten and homeless, then I will at least truly understand what it is to take up the cross that my Savior so willinging took for me. But today, by the grace, mercy, and love of God, that hasn't happened. So therefore I turn to my Abba, my Daddy, my Best Friend, my Counselor, my Helper, my Healer, and I praise Him and I thank Him for all I have when I don't deserve any of it. I have parents, friends, and a boyfriend that love and support me every day no matter what. I have a comfortable bed to lay my head in every night. I have yummy food every day. I have a dream and a purpose. I am so amazingly blessed.
What are you thankful for today? Shout it loud and proud!!
Have you ever wondered if you were following God's dream or your own? What do you do when you feel far from God?