Wednesday, May 25, 2011

My True Bollywood Story: Part 2...


My True Bollywood Story
Part 2

I used to be one of those girls that always had a boyfriend.  It all started when I was13.  I went from fuzzy hair, braces, and Barbies at the age of 12, to the following year being a cheerleader, wearing makeup, and a having a boyfriend that played football.  It wasn't until I was 26 years old that I finally understood that I could exist outside of decorating someone's arm. 

After my last serious relationship ended four years ago, I've dated here and there, but overall this has been a time for Jesus and I.  Not because that was my goal, but because God knew better than I did about what I really wanted and needed.  If it had been up to me I would have gladly slipped my hand into another's instead of crawling into God's hands and letting Him redeem my life. 

I'm sure glad I didn't get what I wanted back then.

God has protected my heart each time I tried to make things work with someone in my own timing and effort.  My old life was such a stark contrast to this new life I now have with Jesus.  I used to have guys calling me all the time, asking me out, wanting to "date" me and "hang out" with me (I think the quotes are appropriate here).  That used to  make me feel wanted and pretty.  When I gave my life to Jesus, the calls stopped.  I would  be out with some girlfriends and all of them would get hit on accept me.  No one was giving me lines.   No one was coming after me.  No one was giving me winks as they sat next to their girlfriends. 

I didn't understand what was happening. 

I used to get my self esteem from whether or not a guy would hit on me or come after me.  When guys weren't chasing after me like they used to, at first I felt like there was something wrong with me, or that they saw in me all of the dark, awful things I always felt were there.  Maybe I wasn't smart enough, maybe I wasn't pretty enough, maybe I wasn't funny enough. 

I started to pray about it. 

That's when Jesus showed me that all those years that guys were hitting on me and I was beating them off with a stick, it was all because they were coming after me for all the wrong reasons.  They saw the weakness in me. My low self esteem was an easy target.  They saw what was on the outside.  They didn't see my heart.  They didn't see who I am in Jesus.  They didn't want to know my dreams or my hopes.  They didn't care if my heart got trampled.  They saw a pretty girl that they wanted to call theirs for a little while and then discard when they got bored. 

But after I started hanging out with Jesus and He started showing me who I am in Him, men started to treat me differently.  Without even trying or meaning to, I exude the light and innocence of God's Holy Spirit.  Men that have wrong intentions stay away from the truth revealing light of God. 

Once I realized what this shift meant, it made being single so much easier. 

Once I realized who I am in Jesus, it made it easier to say "no" to the wrong guys.

Once I realized my worth and my true beauty, it made it easier to wait.

People kept telling me about their "friend" I should meet, or try and get me to do eHarmony.  They would say to me, "Katie, you just need to get out there.  Just go to happy hours or parties with your friends.  You're never going to meet anyone if you have your nose buried in a book or sit in your apartment writing all day long."  Their advice made sense in a way.  It sounded like the right thing to do.

But God just wouldn't let me do it.

I wanted to.  I even tried to.  But I just couldn't.  I knew deep in my heart that I wasn't going to have to try to find a man.  I  knew that one day as I was out faithfulling living my life for Jesus that the right guy for me would come along without my "trying" to find him, get him, chase him, get his attention, etc. 

Some really great guys came along my path.  I gave them a chance, but no one felt "right".  There was always something that just didn't fit. The only thing that kept me going was that years ago God told me that my love story would be something that I would never ever be able to come up with in my own imagination.  And I have one crazy imagination. 

I was never interested in fairy tales and Hollywood romance.  Fairy tales don't even come close to the adventure that God has for each of us if we only allow Him full access to our lives.  Hollywood romance is so shallow.  I want real, messy, beautiful, redemptive, healing, crazy, selfless, painful, powerful, life-changing, uncomfortable love that can't be truly lived out the way that it was intended unless you both let the Holy Spirit lead you. 

Waiting for the right man is always easier when you know that God is writing your love story. 

As I said in Part 1 of My True Bollywood Story, Tony and I met via our Christian blogging community.  He  literally came out of nowhere.  I wasn't trying.  He wasn't trying.  God brought us together at the exact right time, and in the exact right way.

The way that Tony has been there for me has changed me.  I am not the same person I was four months ago.  His love has helped me to see God in ways that I wouldn't have been able to any other way.  Tony sees me the way that God sees me.  He has gotten to know my heart, my dreams, my pains, my hurts, my fears, my joys, and what makes me laugh until I cry.  He has been patient and understanding with me and I have struggled to let him in to a heart that has been broken many times over.  He has prayed with me and for me as I have faced some of the biggest battles of my whole life.  He has listened and empathized as I have shared with him the hardships and struggles I've faced over these last four months of transition. He has celebrated with me every time that God has shown up or worked a miracle.   He has pushed me to keep going and believe in myself when all I want to do is hide.  He has made me laugh or smile every single day no matter how bad his day or my day has been. He has supported me, believed in me, and trusted me as I have made decisions that effect both of us.  His unconditional love has made me feel worthy, respected, and loved even in my mistakes and weaknesses.  He has always made me feel respected, comfortable, and safe.  He has made me more...me.

And that is why I am moving to Florida in July in order to be with him....

Stay tuned for more details!

Love,

Katie



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