Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Sweet Dreams Till Sunbeams Find You...

I had one of those dreams where you're flying!!!!! Don't you LOVE those dreams!?

Here's the dream:

It's morning and I'm in an apartment that looks similar to my actual apartment, but slightly bigger. Everything in my apartment is in different shades of white and ivory. The sun's light is bright outside my window, and I know that I am supposed to already be up and at work, but I feel so super cozy laying in my bed. You know, that cozy feeling where you feel as if you and the bed are one entity and your surrounded by clouds and fairies have sprinkled sleepy dust in your eyes?! As I roll over I see this little jack russell puppy dog laying beside me in my bed. He is so cute! He's looking at me with his head cocked to one side. He looks happy. I feel like I have been sleeping forever. Then I think, oh my gosh, this poor little puppy probably has to pee! So I slowly get myself out of bed. I feel so funny when I's almost like I'm on the moon or something. I feel like I have vertigo, but a super peaceful and wonderful vertigo. Then I think to myself, "Hmm, I feel as light as a feather. I feel like my feet aren't even touching the ground." As I think this my feet start to lift off the ground. Then I think to myself..."Hmm, I bet I could fly if I wanted to. Yeah. Yeah, I wanna fly. I think I will." As I think this my legs slowly raise up behind me and my arms slowly open up at my sides. I am hovering in my kitchen feeling totally at peace, totally free, totally weightless....

I remember having a dream about flying around my house when I was a kid. I loved that feeling so much. Just to feel so free and unburdened. To fly up above it all.

All this ship talking has really impacted my life in such a deep way (nautical pun!). When I wrote about releasing another huge anchor from my ship...aka releasing another burden from my life that was holding me back....I don't think I truly understood what I was dealing with...until last night. I can't really tell you the whole story, but suffice it to say...some major major stuff got dealt with in a major dealing with major stuff way. A few days ago, I started chopping loose "the anchor" the biggest, heaviest, and most historical anchor, but I only saw the anchor chain on the when I started asked God to help me release it...I had no idea it was the mother and father of all my anchors put together. This particular anchor was the original burden. It's origin is from my earliest memories and it's ultimate release from my life was yesterday...February 16th, 2010. I didn't expect this. It totally came out of nowhere. This anchor was the cause that made me run out and buy up all the other anchors in my life. What I didn't quite get until last night is that I can chop loose all the other anchors and leave them in the murky depths and inch forward away from the shore bit by bit. But until I was ready, willing, and able to let "the anchor" loose....I was still going to remain tied to the shore in some capacity. I was confused because I knew I could finally set sail and leave the shore. But last night I realized that I could only go so far. The shoreline would remain like a ghost behind me. This anchor had a long long chain. Over the years, many links were added to extend it's reach...but I never let it go.

I look at myself today, and I am ready to finally think about what I want. Live my own life. I'm not tied to the shore anymore. The world is mine! It's scary as hell, but God has brought here at this time in my life because He has prepared me. I have a nice shiny new Captain's hat...oh, and boat shoes too...gotta have the shoes! Since I was a little girl I always felt that I wasn't good enough, and I treated myself as such in worst possible ways. But now I know that I am good enough. I see myself for who I really am. I am not mad or angry that I had this anchor holding me back, and I'm not angry or hurt anymore by the people. God's plan is perfect. At the time I was living in all the chaos, all I had inside me was emptiness, sadness, hurt, anger, pain....but coming out the other side and looking down on my experience as if I am flying over it, I see that from Heaven all the chaos forms a beautiful garden. My heart is so full of forgiveness and love. If all of these hard times hadn't happened, then I wouldn't be who I am today. I see now how God has orchestrated it all so beautifully. He has taken something totally destructive and turned into a healing and growing experience, not just for me...but for all the people involved. Thank you, GOD! Oh, and God, would you mind to let the dog out?....I'm going to do a little more flying....!


Katie....for real this time.

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